The Mother from Thanjavur

I now know why singers children become singers,doctors children become doctors,etc. It has nothing to do with us parents being excellent role models or genetic talent or home atmosphere. It has something to with our limited parental understanding of anything we or our friends dont know about,and the pester power of an average Indian parent.

I used to joke about the metaphorical mother from Thanjavur,who had to be explained what an escalator was or how a computer could help someone see a person far away until my daughter went to college in America,and I became the mother from Thanjavur. I realised I had no idea what college food or classes or co-ed dorms in America were like. The liberal arts degree she was pursuing,to my Indian parent mind,seemed utterly unfocussed. Chemistry in one class and history in the next? I begged her in her junior year away,a system whereby you can spend time in another college to broaden your experience,to go to LSE,study economics,and have one year of an education that we would understand. She told us balefully that other kids were going away for a term in places like Spain and having fun. At the end of that year,she decided to stay on there,and we were battling again,roles reversed,as I saw the increased college fee. I thought of what I often used to say to her: Be careful what you ask God for,because He just might give it to you.

Two years later,she said she wanted to pursue a Masters in public policy,development,etc. We said dont reject capitalism before you have tried it,please work in it for a few years,just so that you dont feel you chose wrong,when you meet class friends who became investment bankers. She did that and loved it; and,of course,we spoilt the party and begged her to go back to college and tick off one more box in lifes journey. She stuck to her original plans,no MBA.

While in college,we had many arguments over what is the right age to get married. I remembered an amusing story her friend told me when she wanted her skirt shortened in class 9,her mother told her that the purpose of going to school was not to attract boys but to study. Years later,when she went to business school,her mom asked her hopefully what the boys there were like. She had to remind her that the purpose of going to college was to study and get equipped for a career,not to attract boys.

Then came the idea of doing a PhD. The same parents who begged her to go back to graduate school now begged her not to do a PhD. What we got in return was a deferred decision and a table from phdcomics.com,which compared marriage to a PhD. Both apparently start with a proposal a thesis proposal in one case and end with a walk down the aisle in a funny-looking gown. The average life of one was seven years and the average life of the other was 7.5 years,no marks for guessing which lasts longer. Till death do you apart? If you are lucky in the case of marriage and if you are lazy in the case of a PhD.

I am choosing between a job in India and one abroad,ma, she said. Oh India for sure,I said,the not-so-subtle subtext being that the odds of us getting an Indian son-in-law would dramatically improve. I was rudely reminded of the story of a cousin,who said she would never let her daughters go abroad and study. But the ashram their whole family went to every year had European devotees too,and her daughter married a Frenchman and they live happily ever after.

Right now,I am a bit red-faced,facing a daughter-headed court of inquiry that wants me to explain why I had,on an earlier occasion,said that wanting to be near friends and family was a wimpy criterion for job choices,but now think that marriage-prospects-related reasons are ok. Did I fake my modernity and feminism all these years? Am I,at heart,just another mother from Thanjavur,who lives far away from the bright city lights,and only knows what she knows?

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