Tricolour tikkas at midnight

Indian flags Mexican wave on all channels; some pin it up on the TV screen; saas-bahus wear it as bindis. At least one TV commercial for underwear is in our country colours: owner’s pride, nation’s envy. Also, Priyanka Chopra sings ‘Ai Mere Watan Ke Logon’ on NDTV’s Jai Jawan as Lata Mangeshkar is declared a national heritage sound who has to be preserved.

Tonight, our soap queens will reign supreme over their fractious households. Parvati will stand at the top of the stairs (all soap operas have staircases) and alongwith 100-odd members of their families proclaim our current political motto (which applies to them too): divided we stand united. They would have organised a garba to ‘Jana Gana Mana…’ but remembered you have to stand still for the national anthem. Contestants on Indian Idol and Sa Re Ga Ma play judge while the judges pull out each others’ vocal chords on stage — all the while singing, “Awaaz do, hum ek hain …”

Catch Rakhi Sawant and every other item girl on Hindi news channels in vishesh programmes with anchors such as Vinod Dua, Prasun Bajpai and Ashutosh demanding to know their expert opinion on 60 years of science and technology in India.

Meanwhile, every single Indian born on August 15 1947 and 2007, will be hunted down and shot, on candid camera.

Reporter: “Describe the momentous events surrounding your birth.” Salman Rushdie will be a special invitee, alive and without his wife. Maybe we can make it up to him with a Padma Shri this year?

SMS polls will ask you to vote for the most unpatriotic Indian, film, actor, song, actor in a negative role… And don’t miss comedy specials such as Rang De Basanti sung by buffaloes in sadda Punjab (a Zee News exclusive).

English news will flex its muscles. Rajdeep Sardesai on Face the Nation and Barkha Dutt on We The People will demonstrate the art of lifting invisible weights (read the burden of Partition) while interacting with live people from Pakistan and India. Frankly Speaking Arnab Goswami will speak to former Pakistani Prime Ministers Nawaz Sharif and Benazir Bhutto because he couldn’t get former Indians, sorry Indian Prime Ministers. And, in the absence of nuclear fission in Parliament, the Lok Sabha channel will telecast a feature film.

For the English movie channels there is only one possible choice: Independence Day, of course. Never mind it’s a Hollywood movie about a space attack on the American presidency. Everyone else will telecast A Train to Pakistan (And Back) except Doordarshan that will show Shaheed, starring Manoj

Kumar, for the 60th time.

And what of that greatest Indian unifier — the jelly bean — that could give us the ultimate August 15 momento: a series win over our former colonial rulers whose exit from our haloed land is not what Independence Day is about — it’s about this, beating them, in their country after gifting them Monty Panesar. To celebrate, Pepsi’s TV ad will see Dravid’s hounds hunt hares: “England ke shikari…”

This famous series victory is what most Indians will be celebrating as they watch the prime minister unfurl the flag at Red Fort…

Yes, it’s freedom at midnight, tonight. One billion hearts. One voice. Unite. Airtel.