Tony and the Coalition

The hottest day of summer so far was drawing to a close. Tony Blair, prime minister of United Kingdom, a trim fiftyish, salt-and-pepper-hair...

The hottest day of summer so far was drawing to a close. Tony Blair, prime minister of United Kingdom, a trim fiftyish, salt-and-pepper-haired man, wearing the slightly unhealthy look of someone who had avoided the sun for a great part of the summer, sighed. His suit was a bit crushed, his tie slightly awry. He had just faced a boisterous Parliament and an obstreperous Opposition. 8216;8216;They just don8217;t believe me,8217;8217; said Tony to himself, 8216;8216;I lied, of course. But they don8217;t believe me. It8217;s astonishing.8217;8217;

He thought a bit more and self-pity flooded his soul. 8216;8216;I lied not just for Cherie and the kids and my future. Not just for my constituency and the party. Not just for my government and Great Britain. I lied for the good of the world so that it8217;s rid of that damn Saddam.8217;8217; He kicked the carpet as angrily as if it were Robin Cook8217;s ankle. 8216;8216;Blast, Robin. So smug and self-righteous. Going on and on about Britain8217;s moral imperative. Ha! I know his imperative: My chair. The man wants my chair!8217;8217; He suddenly felt alone and friendless. That8217;s when he thought he could do with some support from Old George Bush, trans-Atlantic boss and buddy. He punched a few numbers on his cellphone and drew a deep breath8230;

GEORGE BUSH: Howdy, Tony boy, how8217;s things?

TONY BLAIR: I8217;m in deep shit, George, deep shit.

BUSH: Hmmmm, sounds bad. Have you tried chaparral tea? Always works for me. After all that rich food they dish up at the White House, I kinda often find myself in deep shit too.

BLAIR: I was speaking figuratively, George. I8217;m in hot water.

BUSH: In summertime, I always bathe in cold water, always. It8217;s kinda good for circlelation they say.

BLAIR: George, it8217;s that Niger yellowcake thing, I8217;m talking about.

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BUSH: Mom used to made a great cheesecake, must say though I haven8217;t tried this yellowcake stuff. Good, eh?

BLAIR desperate to make himself understood: Your intelligence now accuses my intelligence of getting it wrong on that uranium-from-Africa issue.

BUSH: Intelligence, ferget it! Gee, I was never known for my intelligence, but that didn8217;t stop me from becoming the pres8217;dent of the United States, did it? Have a theorum about it, Tony boy, dumb guys get the top job. His laughter rolled over the Atlantic but Tony wasn8217;t amused.

BLAIR: This is serious, George, don8217;t mess around. My public ratings are in free fall. People don8217;t like me anymore.

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BUSH: Tony boy, let me explanify a few things in. When ratings slip, cut taxes 8212; it is the surest anecdote to unpopularity. That8217;s why they love me out here. Less taxes, more money to put food on families and families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.

BLAIR: That8217;s all very well, but what about Iraq and those damn WMDs? It8217;s tougher to establish the case for WMDs than Global Warming!

BUSH: Yeah, I8217;ve always believed in Global Warning. Warn the whole darned world that it had better obey or else a B-52 will get their backsides. Now that Osaddam bin Hussein has been put out, that Korean guy had better watch out.

BLAIR still bleating: But what about my opponents who accuse me of lying about WMDs and getting Britain into an unnecessary war?

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BUSH: What8217;s wrong with fibbin8217;? It8217;s good, it8217;s clean, it works. Look at that guy Bill Clinton, he fibbed and fibbed and got a book advance of 10 million. Tell you what, tomorrow I8217;ll get 8217;em to change some terminologragy. Instead of the wimpish 8216;Coalition of the Willin8217;, let8217;s call it the 8216;Coalition of the Fibbin8217;. That way, we8217;ll be telling the truth and they can8217;t harass you no more.