The Shah of Blah

I spent my entire birthday on TV even though I was technically in New York – that’s virtual reality for you. The news channels broadcast me 24 hours. All the reporters ask the same silly question: how does it feel to be 40? Not 40 Carats I wanted to joke but they’re too young to have seen the movie.

Star Gold telecast my films 24 hours, the music channels played my songs and Star Gold took a peek into the Inner and Outer world of Shah Rukh Khan that new documentary about my life, work and the pain in my back. Yes, I was everywhere. So was The Rising star Aamir in the Coke ad. Bet he won’t get Seedhi Baat as a birthday gift. That’s reserved for me (and Amit Uncle). And maybe Salman bhai because of Aishwarya, but who cares? I am the King of Khans.

I noticed my devdasi, sorry Devdas co-star feted with Kajraare across channels, the other day. Oh no, it’s her birthday too! She didn’t get the wallpaper coverage I did. She speaks Hindi like she’s that English mem Elisabeth Bennett of Pride and Prejudice, so her interviews are never as long as mine (which last forever). Anyway, she got more TV time than Hema (Malini) ji who was also a happy birthday girl, a short while ago. These TV channels have no discrimination: they celebrate every film star’s birthday, over 40, below 40 and those who have gone beyond the numbers game.

Must say, am already looking forward to my 50th. That’s when I will get the better of Amit Uncle. When he turned 50, there was no satellite 24×7 TV, ha, ha. Yes, a decade from now I will re(p)lay myself on all channels. I already do that, so I will have to persuade pal Karan Johar to start up an exclusive Shah Rukh Khan TV channel, otherwise I will refuse to have Koffee with Karan, ever again.

Now, the rest of the news – after we have observed every single birthday, death anniversary, festival, holiday, puja, ritual… Last week, apart from Shah Rukh, there were stories on lesser-known lights. Like the old lady in Rajasthan who Sahara found incarcerated by her daughter-in-law in the most inhuman and unbelievable conditions; or poor Himanshu whose body was being sold to his relatives by an unscrupulous police inspector on NDTV; and Star News’ sighting of the moon in Delhi at 8.04 for Eid…. Is this news? It’s ‘people friendly news’, so called because it is within hand-shaking distance of the viewer and not made in 3, Race Course Road or wherever the PM meets with his Cabinet to discuss the Volcker Report.

Politicians are less in demand these days – unless they slip on oil spills like Natwar Singh, last week. Then he’s right up there with Khan. On Saturday afternoon, he was throwing sound bytes at the news channels for catching practice. NDTV caught up with him at home in Barkha Dutt’s exclusive. Poor Minister had to answer the same questions in English and in Hindi (or the other way round) for the two language channels. Seems subtitles are out of fashion.

Viewers prefer news about bizarre people, disastrous events, news that is useful or that’s about ordinary people. Think the quake in J&K, floods in Bangalore or bomb blasts in Delhi: the focus was on the public – victims, distraught relatives, officials, bystanders. Unless, it’s Amit Uncle or Shah Rukh Khan’s birthday…