As an alert citizen of this country, I — along with many of you presumably — am very concerned about the health of PMji. His health, I believe, is in perfect sync with the health of the nation. As they say, if PMji gets a cold today, New Delhi sneezes tomorrow, and the nation gets pneumonia, the day after that. I, therefore, thought I should, after due imbibing of medical tomes, attempt a diagnosis of the prime ministerial ailments and tentatively suggest some cures.On the face of it, PMji’s is a fairly common condition, also known as gale mein khich khich, which translates in colloquial terms as ‘something funny in the throat’. It is a condition known to specifically descend on prime ministers when the political weather changes or because of extra-constitutional interference that could lay their physical constitutions low. Sometimes it is caused when foreign bodies lodge in the throat, resulting in a choking feeling and the general inability to communicate with the nation at large.Expert opinion is divided over whether PMji is currently suffering from disinvestmentitis, or dissidentitis. Both are dangerous conditions, one can result in bringing on a rash called SwadeshiJagaranManchitis, and the other could cause a malady known as MulayamSinghComesToPowerinUPitis.Both diseases could affect PMji’s physical and mental health, if he doesn’t take adequate precautions. Already PMji is suffering from a bad case of BJPCannotWinAnyElectionitis, which has no doubt had a debilitating effect on PMji’s general system and could, in time, end up in that extremely critical condition, known to experts as SoniaGandhiitis.Unfortunately, PMji is also beset by a fairly rare condition called the VishwaHinduParishaditis (common name, AshokSinghalitis), which invariably leads to the inflammation of public opinion over the temple issue. This could lead to further complications like the weakening of PMji’s immune system, also known as the PMO. Once his immune system is breached, poor PMji may succumb to a bad case of DeputyPMitis, which could result in the PM losing his voice permanently and ending up properly deputy-ised. As it is, PMji has already had to suffer severe face-loss and voice-loss, after a bad attack of NarendraModiitis in early summer.TREATMENT: The symptoms of hoarseness, acute pain in the throat, choking sensations, watering of the eye, a racking dry cough and breathing difficulties may persist until PMji’s immune system kicks in. We would recommend that he take a glass of warm salt water and gargle every four hours in order to keep the various viruses about him under check. It could also help immeasurably if he emptied the said glass of water over assorted members of the sangh parivar who ply him with suggestions on how his government must be run.Indeed, since infections are always notoriously contagious and are passed on from family member to family member, we would urge him to keep his parivar members at arms length — preferably in a specially quarantined cell.At any rate, whatever measures PMji undertakes, he must not allow himself to be persuaded by the medical advice offered by a certain cancer specialist, going by the name of Dr Pravin Togadia, who has suggested that PMji cut his throat to get rid of that perpetual sense of discomfort in his larynx. We believe that this is too radical a remedy.(Write to pamelaphilipose@expressindia.com)
