Rajasthani mushroom masala

A Dish guaranteed to make every indian swell with pride, if not health….

Serves: 950 millionPreparation time: 50 yearsCooking time: 30 days

Ingredients

(Someof these may not be readily available in local markets but can be procured with some patience, discretion, and the right contacts)

Uranium 235; Plutonium 239; Tritium — 10 kg; Deuterium — 10 kg; (other weapons grade fuel could also be considered); 10 cups of heavy water; 1 silo of belligerence; 1 silo of jingoism; several pinches of salt

For the garnish

:Lotus flowers; 1 Pakistani flag, finely shredded; 1 Chinese flag, finely shredded (optional)

Kitchen Aids

It all depends whether you opt to cook it by fission or by fusion. Ideally, given the potency of the ingredients, it should be allowed to bake deep under the earth just like grandma would have done it. We recommend that the dish be cooked under the sands of the Rajasthan desert. This is known to give it a distinct flavour, besides allowing patriotic poets to sing about how the earth gave birth to Shakti.

Remember, the quality of the cooks are vital in this enterprise. While they must be good patriotic Indians, who can workfor whole lifetimes without breathing a word to their wives of all the cooking they were doing, they must also meet the highest standards set by the Cordon Bleu school of neutron chefs. We don’t have to add here that it would add greatly to the impact of the dish if the kitchen in housed in a top security zone, far away from prying eyes, both human and artificial.

Precautions

While the dish is cooking, it is best to vanish from the scene, since the ingredients are known to be highly unstable. In fact, it would be wise to ensure that you are nowhere around the vicinity of the cooking area (you can, of course, put in a brief appearance at a later stage and hail the talents of the cooks, just to reassure local people that the area is quite safe).

You see, the villagers who live around the area have developed the necessary immunity to this cooking activity and its potential fallout — sorry, I mean, spillover — apart from a few bleeding noses and an occasional cancer or two (a small price to pay,surely, in the interests of this patriotic dish).

Method

Mix all the ingredients in a thermonuclear device. Add the heavy water and stir until it reaches a certain critical mass. Check the mass to ensure that is is of right consistency. Critical mass is critical. Always remember, nutrient fission initiates a chain reaction only after achieving critical mass. The resulting high temperatures, in turn, bring about nutrient fusion, releasing through a thermonuclear explosion an enormous amount of energy. The yield is then tested with special monitoring equipment and ground-based sensors for size, weight and performance.

Once all this is done, quickly turn on the Agni, and allow the whole country to simmer slowly on the fire.

Presentation

Place in a Hindutva handi. Decorate it with the lotus flowers and shredded flags. Excellent when consumed piping hot (but watch out for possible burns caused by radioactivity). Teams up perfectly with Ayodhya achaar.

Remember, it isimportant that this dish be taken with large pinches of salt.