Limited overs match

— It’s a great day out here, isn’t it Immy? The sky is blue, the birds are singing, wonderful atmosphere, a great day for cricket, must say.– Yes, Sunny, but according to weather reports, temperatures can hit 50 degrees. The boys would have to cope withthe heat which can be exhausting.

— True. Remember the time when I nearly fainted in the Lahore heat during that match way back in ’72, Immy? After that I made it a point to drink plenty of water before a match.

— Good strategy, Sunny, precisely what I do when I have to face the Delhi summer. To get on with the match, the captains of the two teams have just come on the field, the coin is in the air….yes, India seems to have won the toss and has elected to bat.

— Great, we should now witness some great cricket action, Immy. Our boys have been working hard at it for years under our `cricket for peace’ programme. They are in fine fettle, battle ready and all that.

— Where do you guys hold your practice sessions, Sunny? Or is that a secret?

— Well, we have facilities in many places, but for actual practice we’ve opted for Pokharan — perfect terrain for cricket. Flat, endless expanses of sand. But you guys have a problem, don’t you, Immy?

— Not really. There’s this lovely stretch in the ChagaiHills, soft, undulating terrain, gentle greens — the perfect place for a gentleman’s game, if you ask me….

— Sorry to interrupt, Immy, but look, the fireworks have already started. My god, India is off to a splendid start, with our openers hitting out for what they are worth. The Indians in the crowd are going berserk. They are bursting firecrackers…

— Pretty fearsome that lot — some look plain nasty. But seriously, Sunny, what do they want — a war?

— Just natural high spirits, Immy, all part of the game. Meanwhile, Indian batsmen have already hit a quick 300. The Indians in the crowd are loving it — look at them dance. Oh-ho, some of them seem to have fainted — probably due to heat and malnourishment. But, look, the Indian batsmen are hitting out again, another quick 200. It is sure to make every Indian glow with pride. That must be the fastest 500 in cricketing history, wouldn’t you say Immy?

— Well, Sunny, all I can say is, let us wait for Pakistan to perform too, before coming to aconclusion. Our boys, I’m confident, are ready for the challenge. The Pakistan openers have just come in, with every Pakistani in the crowd egging them to do their best. Pretty nasty, some of them sound, must say. But really, Immy, what do they want? A war?

— Just natural high spirits, Sunny, all part of the glorious game of cricket. Meanwhile, Pakistan seems set to match India’s record, run for run. Look at them go. The Pakistanis in the crowd just love it — uh-ho, some of them are being carried out — probably because they are malnourished. But the excitement is sure to revive them, mark my words. Just watch the boys go. Their bats are on fire. Look at that — 500 runs have emerged from their bats as smooth as silk….

— Cool it, Immy. The quality of cricket must also be kept in mind…

— But, look, they are going for another 100, Sunny. Just look at that daring. They are determined to equal India’s total. So it looks like we are heading for a tie, doesn’t it?

— Yes, Immy, we’ll need anothermatch soon — to seal our collective fate, it seems. But, all said and done, the boys excelled themselves and deserve our total admiration. We have displayed our sporting skills to the world. That’s all from the studio, for the moment listeners, thanks for tuning in. Until next time, here’s Sunil Gavaskar and Imran Khan signing off.

(Watch this space for info on the Ultimate Encounter — the match that will settle the question of which of the two nations is better at cricket once and for all. To be called the Apocalypse Cup, it will have special bomb shelters for spectators, equipped to cope with retching, twitching, convulsions, and the possible meltdown of internal organs in the event of a big bang.)