Diplomatic breakthroughs

– Kashmir, of course, said the official testily. Everything begins and ends with Kashmir. India has achieve a breakthrough in stressing that Kashmir is and will remain a bilateral issue between India and Pakistan — there is no place forthird-party involvement, and we said it loud and clear.

– But sir, I asked, can you ensure this?

– We will fight them in air, we will fight them from the beaches, we will fight them in every international, regional, national forum, every Rotary and Lions Club meeting, every ladies’ club kitty party….

– Fight who, sir, Pakistan? I queried, thoroughly confused.

– Don’t be silly, Madam, snapped the official. That bit comes later. First, we will have to fight Nelson Mandela, Thabo Mbeki, Kofi Annan, Helmut Kohl, each and every one of those UN grey-suits who has the effrontery to misuse the word “Kashmir”. They now know it’s a grave provocation. That’s a breakthrough.

– Sounds great, sir, I said, but have there been any concrete developments?

– This is not to be quoted, began the official in measured tones, but Pakistan wanted to make Kashmir the Item No 1 in our forthcoming talks. We have succeeded in pushing it down to Item 3 status. Discussions will first focus on the weather, then the menu –India will insist that Gujarati kadhi be included — and it’s only then that we will get down to Kashmir. This, I may add, is a great breakthrough. Our message is loud and clear.

– A great breakthrough, sir, a great breakthrough, I said, nodding vigorously, but what about the Jaswant Singh-Strobe Talbott talks?

– Well, if you keep this to yourself, said the official conspiratorially, I can tell you that Jaswant Singh and Strobe Talbott had their 205th one-to-one strategic dialogue at Schiphol International Airport, Amsterdam. It so happened that Singh was emerging from a shower there while returning to New Delhi from New York and Talbott happened to be shaving at the gentleman’s facility while transiting from Moscow to Washington. The meeting lasted 5 minutes and 30 seconds, during which some movement was made, we believe. It would, of course, be premature to reveal the exact nature of this breakthrough.

– Of course, I agreed, but any significant trends?

– Well, we don’t want to attach too muchsignificance to this, but Mrs Strobe Talbott served Fish with White Sauce when Jaswant Singh dropped by on a private visit last month. You notice, she did not service Chicken with Brown Sauce. It was white, the sauce. White has always been the colour of surrender. Another breakthrough.

– Ah yes, makes sense, I said. But does the US accept us as a nuclear power?

– The point madam that has to be understood is this, said the official taking a deep breath, we are a nuclear state whether the rest of the world acknowledges it or not, a nuclear state wholly and totally committed to nuclear disarmament and the elimination of nuclear weapons.

– But how will you make the world accept you, I asked.

– They have already accepted it. Notice how they no longer condemn the tests, they merely deplore it. Nuances are crucial in diplomacy. Now notice how Mbeki apologises on behalf of that man Mandela…

– But he merely said that Mandela’s remarks must not be misconstrued, I said, that is no apology.

– Madam indiplomatese, that amounts to an apology, said the officially, grandly, it is a great breakthrough we achieved in Durban, make no mistake. Mandela was outrageous.

– But he also said that he is concerned that the issue of J&K should be solved through peaceful negotiations and would willing to help in resolving it, I said.

By now the official had turned a deep purple.

– “That is a totally uncalled for and unacceptable observation. Let me say this loud and clear, there is no place for any third party involvement in this process, Kashmir is and will be an integral part of India, Kashmir is and will be negotiated bilaterally, Kashmir will not be internationalised….”

Ah, but that is the one breakthrough you seem to have achieved, I said softly, now the whole world wants to solve the Kashmir problem.