A Big Fat Indo-Pak jaaint effort

Dawood bhai and Javed mian were breaking fast 8216;jaa-intly8217; with biryani and mirch ka saalan when they heard gunshots.

Dawood bhai and Javed mian were breaking fast 8216;jaa-intly8217; with biryani and mirch ka saalan when they heard gunshots. It was Dawood8217;s phone ringing. Javed always thought Chota Rajan when he heard gunshots. It was Mush bhai on the Don8217;s secret line, the one Osama called when he got bored after a dialysis.

8220;Salaam Mush mian, by the grace of my most benevolent, most merciful golden gun, my goon-bhais tell me you wrote a book about yourself which people are actually buying,8221; said Dawood, slightly jealous.

Mush inclined his head slightly to the right and down, and smiled that same half smile on his book jacket, like Garfield in deep thought.

8220;Arre, it8217;s nothing compared with your pocket diary. Can you meet me for breakfast tomorrow? It8217;s urgent.8221;

Dawood blanched at the timing. 8220;Aren8217;t you fasting?8221; he asked.

Mush was cool. 8220;Oh, I8217;m working on George W Puss8217; time zone. It8217;s OK. Bring Javed mian along too. We8217;ll play some cricket to relieve jetlag.8221;

The three met along with the ISI chief, who Mushbhai simply referred to as General. Every time General spoke, Mushbhai jumped up, saluted him, did a stiff about turn and sat down in his chair again. This was interrupting his conversation with the dozen boiled eggs on his plate, so he tried to speak more to the man we call Don, pyaar se.

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Dawood: My goons in the FBI told me you made mincemeat of those dumb American television anchors.

Mush: They keep asking me where Osama is, so now I tell them, if you know where he is, give me a call. They think Tora Bora is the new code for Pearl Harbor, so they8217;re hunting in Japan. He8217;s actually under our table, caressing his beard.

Javed doing shadow practice of the straight bat sixer: Mush, can you give me a DVD of your Agnipath movie. I hope it has Neelam in it.

Mush: Bhaijaan, these Indians are getting pious and righteous again. They say 7/11 because it rhymes with 9/11, they keep saying scourge, scourge, as if it8217;s a prayer bead. I8217;ve to prove to the West that I believe in democracy, so I8217;ve to do my bit for an Indo-Pak 8216;jaa-int8217; something. You and Javed mian get a few good men like you together. You8217;ll all get facelifts, crisp, new passports, and unlimited bus rides.

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Dawood: Can I go watch cricket in Bombay? For ol8217; times8217; sake?

Mush: Sure, but you should not do match fixing with your old friends who now give gyan on telly. And learn these phrases by heart: 8220;Composite dialogue8221;, 8220;terror is a scourge8221;, 8220;CBMs8221;, 8220;bus rides8221;, 8220;hot air balloon rides8221; and 8220;look forward to purposeful visit.8221; If you see any nosey desi, hold your breath and say all these words at once. They8217;ll run away.

Javed: Can we holiday in PoK? I can do with some high altitude training.

Mush: Sure, we have a lot of training camps in PoK, which we officially don8217;t have. Take Inzamam with you, he needs to lose weight. Put him also on the jaa-int team.

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Dawood: Mushbhai, I8217;ll get my babes to do an item number in the snow. We8217;ll get fundoo coverage on the news channels.

Mush: You can shack up at Azam Cheema8217;s hotel. He is CEO of India ops for LeT. Maulana Masood Azhar and Omar Sheikh will join you.

Dawood: Sounds like fun.

Mush: Do what you want. Don8217;t forget to memorise 8220;jaa-int effort8221; and 8220;composite dialogue.8221;