Alaya F on her parents’ divorce: ‘I didn’t really think it was a bad thing…’

“I didn’t really think it was a bad thing, and that’s the funny part. My parents were going their own separate ways but I would see both of them all the time… they were very friendly with each other. They are great friends to this day. My mother attended my father’s second marriage and I’m extremely close to my step mom,” she revealed. 

The separation, while not ideal for everyone, allowed Alaya to gain a loving stepmother and stepbrother in her life, she admitted.

 

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This perspective might seem unusual, as divorce is often associated with negative feelings. But there are instances where some children might feel relieved or even happy when their parents separate. 

Sohini Rohra, counselling psychologist and mental health advocate, says, “Universal unhappiness is a stereotype that is attached to divorce. A lot of people stay in abusive or unhappy relationships for the sake of their children’s happiness. But if we have to ask the children if they are happy in such a toxic environment, their response might actually be ‘NO’. A lot of children carry the pressure and the guilt of feeling responsible for their parents’ unhappiness.” 

Children may have mixed responses to their parents getting divorced. It can range from shock to sadness, shame, anger, feelings of betrayal, or even relief. “The thing about stereotypes is that they cannot be used universally, just as there might be a bunch of children who may regress after a divorce, but there are also a bunch that might flourish after a divorce,” explains Rohra.  

Potential reasons a child might feel relieved or happy when their parents get divorced

Dr Ashish Bansal, a psychiatrist who specialises in child and adolescent psychiatry, asserts that from a psychological perspective, children may find relief or happiness in their parents’ divorce. 

Here are some potential reasons:

Reduction of Conflict: The constant exposure to parental conflict proves very stressful for the child. Research has shown that approximately 20-25% of children from high-conflict families experience significant stress and behavioral problems. Such children can find reprieve from this daily stress in divorce.

Improved Parent-Child Relationships: After a divorce, children have an opportunity for better quality time and better bonding with each of the parents individually. High-conflict marriages are marked by uncertainty and inconsistency in parental behaviour and family dynamics, divorce may introduce more predictability in routine and clearer boundaries.

If the child feels that his or her parents are not happy, it can cause feelings of turmoil and stress within themselves. (Source: Freepik)

Emotional Validation: If the child feels that his or her parents are not happy, it can cause feelings of turmoil and stress within themselves. Children may feel that the divorce brings out happier parents, so they may find it emotionally validating to see that not only are they feeling better, but so is the rest of the family. 

Escape from Dysfunctional Dynamics: If the marriage involves emotional, physical, or substance abuse, divorce can extract the child from a hostile and dysfunctional environment and significantly improve their sense of safety and well-being. 

How can parents navigate a divorce in a way that minimises negative impacts on children?

According to Malika Chandra, psychotherapist at MC Psychotherapy, “Parents can try to find a balance between sharing relevant information or feelings around the divorce and not overburdening the child with their own feelings. This balance is a key factor that can differentiate between the child growing up to become anxiously attached, avoidantly attached or secure.”

Concurring, Rohra adds that stability, consistency, and collaboration in their approach are healthy for the children, making them feel protected. Teamwork in terms of discipline, even when the parents are divorced and there are two homes, ensures that the core parental values and boundaries don’t vary widely between the two homes and both parents

“The positive outcome of this might even be that children learn that change is safe, healthy choices might require big change, and it is courageous to choose oneself for the greater good of an entire unit. They may also learn that long-term happiness requires short-term pain and that feathers can be ruffled gently with consistent, healthy, assertive communication,” she suggests.