I can’t thow that away! Do you or your partner have a hoarding problem?

Experts say that living with a partner who is a hoarder can create problems that have no simple solutions. “I can’t understand how he can just decide to throw away my stuff that I hjave saved over the years. Can’t he see I am so deeply attached to them? These are part of my life and I can never part with these things,” says Shweta, his wife.

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It was a similar case with Nayanika and Ashok. When she moved into his house after they got married, she was in for a shock. “I couldn’t believe that one of the rooms of his house was full of old newspapers and magazines. There were thousands of Time and Newsweek copies, Reader’s Digest and National Geographic, and what not. I mean, I’m also a fan but now we can get it all online. But he just couldn’t bring himself to part with them. I was shocked that I had to forego one whole room because of his hoarding habit,” Nayanika said.

Ashok on the other hand, felt paranoid everytime he was asked to “sort” his books and magazines. “I felt I was losing my mind when confronted with the thought of losing my collection. I always felt that the minute I threw something away, I would need to read something from there,” he said. The result was regular arguments between the couple, leading to more resentment, anger and loads of frustration.

Experts say that there are many deeper issues involved when it comes to hoarding partners. They may have trouble sorting their things; they may even feel they are losing control if they have to part with their things and sometimes they may even feel emotionally at a loss if their things are taken away from them. In such cases, counsellors suggest that if you have a hoarder for a partner, then you need to first accept that he/she has an emotional problem that need to be dealt with delicately than by putting pressure and giving ultimatums.

Understand that your partner has anxiety and emotional issues and goes through real pain and feelings of helplessness when faced with discarding their stuff. At such times, experts say that it’s best to take one step at a time and clear things and space bit by bit without traumatising your partner. If you do, then it may not only cause a lot of anger and heartburn but may also cause irreparable damage to the relationship.

Counsellors also say that it’s best to broach the subject of hoarding gently with your partner. You should communicate to your partner that you feel suffocated and restrained by the lack of space and offer to help clear out things in whatever way possible.

Often, the hoarder is aware that their partner has a problem with the habit, but feels helpless about the problem. Since there are deeper issues involved, it has to be done with the consent of the hoarding partner, or the relationship will be seriously affected. Hoarding is a problem and living with a hoarder an even bigger problem, because one has no idea how to deal with it. But with a bit of understanding and cooperation, things can fall into place, without jeopardising the relationship.