The dictionary of modern dating has a new addition: floodlighting. Coined by Brene Brown, the author of The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, this term refers to a situation where someone overshares deeply personal information with a stranger in an attempt to gain sympathy or test the loyalty of their partner. "Unfortunately for all of us who’ve done this (and I include myself in this group), the response is normally the opposite of what we’re looking for: People recoil and shut down, compounding our shame and disconnection. You can’t use vulnerability to discharge your discomfort, or as a tolerance barometer in a relationship," Brown writes in her book. Why do people floodlight? According to Rima Bhandekar, senior psychologist at Mpower - Helpline, Aditya Birla Education Trust, floodlighting, also called trauma dumping, on a first date may arise from a place of honest need for connection, but can have harmful psychological effects on a budding relationship. Sharing some psychological insight into such behaviour, Bhandekar said that trauma dumping on a first date may come from a person’s belief that being vulnerable may be a way to create a sense of closeness and understanding quickly, and the other person's reaction to trauma sharing may show whether they can trust the potential partner or not. "It could be a test to check if the other person can provide responses indicating compassion, support, and a safe space to discuss major issues. Talking willingly about trauma might feel liberating to a person who has undergone trauma if those feelings about experiences were suppressed for quite some time," she said. However, the disadvantages of trauma dumping on the first date should also be considered. According to her, first dates are generally expected to be lighthearted, a quick chance for mutually exploring each other’s views, chemistry, and having a good time with another person. Why should you be careful? "The person listening to such trauma can be left feeling overwhelmed without a trigger warning, or feel isolated in the communication. If trauma experiences are introduced at the start without checking in with another person's ability to handle painful experiences, it can also get in the way of growth of a balanced relationship, and result in unhealthy emotional dynamics," she explained. The person may be unprepared to respond to such highly personal experience, which can create an emotional distance early in communication. "It puts unintentional pressure on the other person to take on the role of emotional caretaker even if they are not quite willing or skilled. This can create a lack of healthy boundaries, where the receiver may not receive the same support on their date," she explained. To build a connection on a first date, Bhandekar suggested sticking to gentle topics, exploring each other’s personalities, and, when deeper trust and connection are developed, moving on to sharing vulnerabilities and trauma mutually.
