Usually in the animal kingdom (and often amongst us too), dudes that are hefty, muscular and built like tanks, get all the lovely (if simpering) girls. Those less well-endowed may not find a suitable girl at all. But when brawn doesn’t cut it, brains have to be used, and sometimes this can be as simple as just taking advantage of a situation or seizing an opportunity when it arises. Some years ago, I heard a couple of koel dudes shriek at each other on the bottlebrush tree outside my window. Black as sin, their ruby eyes bulging, they cursed at each other so loudly that one had to take a few steps back. This was a case of cherchez la femme, so I thought, and sure enough, there she was on the same tree, bark brown and barred, looking a little flustered as the dudes turned the air around her blue with their language. Then, while the rivals insulted each other’s mothers and sisters, a third dude quietly materialised out of the foliage behind them and quickly assessed the situation. And, in moments, had escorted the distressed lady away – as if putting his arm around her and saying, ‘Come, come my dear, such language is not meant for your delicate ears!’ The boors were left foolishly, shouting at each other. There can be variations to this theme. Families of deer and antelope are often led by an alpha male, who struts around trying to keep his harem of wayward, and often flirtatious, does in check. A young (and not so strong as yet) buck loiters around the herd, hoping to get a quickie with one of the pretty young lasses who has been batting her liquid eyes at him, but doesn’t dare to tackle the boss. But then, of course, a rival turns up – seemingly equal in stature and strength, and will challenge the boss. Battle commences, and the young dude’s eyes light up. Craftily, he will wait until the two antagonists have their antlers entangled, and then make his move on the girls. If this doesn’t quite work out, and he is chased away, there’s always plan B. He’ll just hang around some more, awaiting further developments. And sure enough, there are: during the day, the alpha boss might have to see off any number of challengers. By the end of it, he is so exhausted that he can only watch helplessly as the young pretender coolly trots off with his favourite concubine. With some species of fish, the deviousness goes even further. A wimpy male, wanting a bit of action but intimidated by wrestler-type rivals swimming around, will kind of cross-dress and pretend to be a lady. The wrestler types won’t mind this at all, that is, until the ‘lady’ makes out with one of the real ladies, and beats it! A recent clip by the BBC revealed how even resplendent peacocks also go in for subterfuge. Peacocks dance for peahens (who often pretend indifference), and if one successfully attracts a hen, it will envelope his huge train around her, as if in an enormous hug, and seal the deal. Afterwards, in triumph, he lets out what seems to be a pathetic little squeak (unlike his plangent war cries), which promptly brings other hens running up hotfoot—now they know there’s a stud around, and want a piece of the action too. But if there’s another dude nearby, who has been lucklessly dancing all day because he simply does not have the charisma to attract the hens, he’ll open up his train, dance, and then squeak. Sure enough, a lady or two will come running to check things out, and the hitherto luckless fellow will get his lady. Then, of course, there are (like with us) so many cases of straightforward unfaithfulness, and when you get caught, there is trouble. A young baboon lass who has attracted the eye of, say, a hunky bachelor hanging around the trees nearby, will wait until her brawny, and usually uncouth partner’s attention is diverted and quickly slink off to spend a few precious moments with the youngster. She’ll return, radiating innocence, but if her partner gets a whiff of what has been going on, she’s in for a proper hiding. I had once witnessed a soap opera of the neighbouring sparrows on the balcony outside my bedroom. It appeared that a lady sparrow (this was when sparrows were abundant) had seduced the dude nesting with his wife next door. When I arrived on the scene, the two ladies (the legit partner and the seducer) were sitting on either side of the dude, screaming their heads off, while the dude ducked nervously between them, before flying off to the bottlebrush tree pursued by his wife. The ‘lover’ promptly began tearing the couple’s nest to pieces. At the end of the day, I found the dude on the floor locked in mortal combat with the husband of his ‘lover’, the latter having got wind of what was going on. Bollywood blockbuster, here we come! Only if they could be like the delightful burrowing owls of the New World. They live in closely packed underground burrows, and no one minds if the dude in one burrow spends a cosy morning with the dudette next door; meanwhile, his dudette goes off to spend quality time with the beefcake living across the path. After all, that’s how genes go walkabout!
