Mourn Day

How can I write for scurrying people who’ve stored their smiles in little,fly infested,leftover trays that they tuck away into their deep freezers to be pulled out,dusted out,only one week later? How can I write for people who mourn the passing of their weekend,the passing of their sunshine?

And what will I write? What will I write that could possibly match the dark cloud of their mood? “Seven Tourists Die When Spittle Mingles While Drinking Irani Chai From Single Chipped Saucer”. Rebel Without A Clue. Smiling photo in top right hand corner.

Or: “Saki Naka To Receive Grand Total Of Rs. Three Paise Fifty Only As Road Maintenance Fund For Next Seventeen Years”. Smiling photo in top left hand corner,maybe?

Or: “Government Proposes New “Garibi Hatao Forever” Tax On Every SMS Sent By All Youth Over 6 Years Of Age.” Smiling photo in bottom left hand corner?

Will that help? Or should I just pose for a new photo,grumpy,no smile,after all it is empirically proven that no one smiles on a Monday?

Might be a good idea,because then at least people will recognise me in real life,where I am chronically grumpy.

On the other hand then I will lose my happy anonymity. “We never recognised you from your old photo,because there you were smiling,nah? New photo looking more like you. What a nice frown,buying dotted condoms from chemist,what a good,safe practice that is,good boy you are!”

And who will send me e-mails on Monday? Saturdays and Sundays I used to get lots of e-mails,jokes and poems and chain letters and spam even,because what to do,vela people used to have withdrawal symptoms from their computer keyboards over weekend,nah?

I used to reply also faithfully to all e-mails because what to do,I also vela on weekends,no? Now where I will get? Whole day,Monday,people sending important e-mails this side,that side,all playing office-office with big-big frowns,where they will send to me,hanh?

Even if they send they will only send complaint letter:

“Dear Bloody Pocha,What nonsense you are writing! No business writing in serious national newspaper,all frivolous things,no one wants to read. Write about death,preferably with blood. Write about politics. Write about educational items like 78-Year Plan and Economic Reforms in the Marsupial Tortoise Population in Bihar. Write good stuff,moron!

In any case,I hate you.

Sincerest warm regards,Your dear friend,So and So.”

So I think,maybe,might as well,I should ask them to delete e-mail id from bottom of column also or better yet,put big disclaimer,17 point,Helvetica,bold,underlined and marked with bright orange highlighter:

“No point sending e-mail to adipochas@yahoo.com because we know you will not send happy e-mail on Monday to contact the columnist.”

Postscript: One black coffee with arsenic and low calorie sugar,please.

(Do send a happy e-mail to this columnist at adipochas@yahoo.com)