Home truths

Asha and Sunita are sailing in the same boat — both are working mothers and guilt stricken. Most working mothers are facing this dilemma and ironically most of them don’t know how to deal with their guilt. From giving in to all the demands of their little ones,frequently buying expensive gifts to make up for their absence and even leaving a well-paid job — working mothers are experimenting with different ways to give attention to their kids,which apparently most psychologists feel is not the correct way to handle the situation.

Psychotherapist and counselor Parul Khona feels says that kids of different age group have different needs. While younger kids need their mothers on physical,emotional and mental level,the teenaged kids are mature enough and can do without their mothers being around physically throughout the day. However,she adds,“Ofcourse you need to connect with them on a different level and be their friend for them to understand you.”

She points out that leaving the job is a choice,which not every mother can opt for,due to variety of reasons ranging from career growth,financial commitments or self identity. “The trick is to manage the time in the best possible manner. A well planned time-table,wherein you can jot down when and how to spend good quality time with your kids is one way out. Communicating with your kids about their school and friends or doing small things like reading a story book,playing some game or watching a kid’s movie together brings immense joy to the kid as well as the mother,” says Khona.

Even Gwenita Pereira,mother of five-year-old Tanika goes through the guilt of not being able to give enough attention to her daughter. But she has worked out a schedule,wherein her daughter doesn’t get neglected. She takes two breaks during the year; a week-long holiday in the month of July for Tanika’s birthday and the second one in December,around 15-days leave. “As soon as I’m home from work,I give her all my time and if I have any other work,I do it after she goes to sleep or early morning before she gets up. Besides,I am off from work on Saturdays and Sundays,which are entirely for her. Even when I go out to the market,post-office or bank,I take her along with me,” says Pereira,who is working for Terre Des Homes,a support agency to an NGO.

According to psychologist Dr Sheela Vaidya,almost every working mother goes through guilt at some point of time,which is quite natural. She has witnessed many cases wherein she saw that many working mothers buy something or the other almost everyday for their child while returning back from office. “This way,over a period of time,children start blackmailing their parents even for small things like ‘You bring me a toy and I will drink milk.’ Gradually they start demanding bigger things,” says Vaidya.

As per Vaidya,there is no standard time as such which should be given to the child. “What’s important is rapport building and the quality of the time which you are spending with them after office hours. For instance,when you enter the house after work,you should not ask your children whether they have finished their homework or were they watching TV the whole day. Such questions break the communication thread instantly,” says she. Vaidya feels that while most mothers think that their children may be too young to understand them and their profession,it’s not the case. She adds,“Talking to your child and preparing him/her in advance that you will be out from the house till a specific time makes things a lot easier. Infact it helps the child to become mature and independent.” 

Things you can do to throw off that extra baggage
* Once a week family outings like movie,eating out or shopping
* Do not carry office work back home
* Indulge and play games like monopoly,chess or scrabble
* Spend time with your child doing nothing. It builds a sense of emotional security.
* Plan for one long and one short holiday in a year
* It is ok to gift something useful like a book to your child once in a while for no reason at all,just to say ‘I love you’