God help them

So the other day,because I was feeling a little bored and sitting all by myself in a crummy airport,I decided to call my phone helpline. “So,I want to know,can I configure my phone to have push e-mail?” “Right sir,I will surely help you,sir,if you will please just help me with your phone number.” I helped her.

“Right sir,I will surely help you sir,if you will please just help me with your full name.” I helped her.

“Right sir,I will surely help you sir,if you will please just help me with your date of birth,billing address,amount of last bill,and…” I helped her,I helped her,I helped her.

Finally she asked: “Right sir,now I will most definitely help you with your problem sir,if you will just help me with what was your problem again?” “I want to know… can-my-phone-be-configured-to-have-push-e-mail?”

“Right sir,I will surely help you sir,if you will please allow me to put you on very long hold while I talk to my technical people?” So I waited,because after all I was in a crummy airport,so what to do?

Finally another voice comes on the line,male this time:

“Right sir,how can I help you?” “Push e-mail. On my phone. Possible?” “Right sir. I will surely help you sir,if you will please just allow me to put you on very long hold while I talk to my technical supervisor.”

Eventually after 17 minutes and 35 seconds I got my answer: “Right sir,I am very sorry to inform you,but the answer to your problem is: No. Thank you sir,is there anything else you would like to know? Goodbye.”

My flight was delayed,so on a hunch I called the same helpline again. This time after 14 minutes and 43 seconds (definitely an improvement) I even got the answer I was looking for: “Right sir,I am happy to inform you that the answer to your problem is: Yes.”

Yes,yes,yes! I was suddenly in a better mood. Except,now I had a split decision.

Fortuitously,the announcer chanted out another one-hour delay in my flight. Yippee,I thought,happily dialing my favourite helpline again.

Tiebreaker,tan-ta-tan,suspense mounts! Finally after 23 minutes and 47 seconds,definitely a world record,I got the only real answer that there is in the universe:

“Right sir,I am supremely happy to inform you that the answer to your problem is: we do not know. You will have to check with your handset company.”

Wow! It’s a tie! It’s not a yes,it’s not a no,it’s a bloody we-have-17,000-employees-in-41-countries-but-I’m-afraid-no-one-knows tie!

What a match,what a game! Then unfortunately my flight was announced and we couldn’t go into extra time.

Postscript: Now all this new fangled helpline stuff is fine when it involves trying to fix some little problem with your phone or credit card,but I do not like where this is going.

Because I find that increasingly almost every service I call has one of these “helpline” thingies. So what happens when one day you pick up the phone and you hear: “If you are having a heart attack please dial 1. If you are just farting excessively please dial 2…”

And so on and so forth and see ya next time!

(E-mail the columnist on adipochas@yahoo.com)