Out of our heads and into our lives

Through numerous conversations on overthinking, three themes have stood out:

We cannot think our way out of it: Fifteen-year-old Shiv described overthinking as “hyper-buzz” which “started as a seed of an idea and the more I think, problem-solve or analyse it, the stronger it roots itself.” Shiv explained it as having a loud voice which constantly compared him to others, criticised him and attacked his worth: “You are so lazy and not good at anything!” It would also push certain dark predictions about his future: “You will fail your board exams and never get into any college. You are a total failure.”

It is not about us: The voice of “hyper buzz” had become so loud and convincing that when I met Shiv, he had internalised it and it had led him to believe “I am worthless”, alienating himself from his friends; “They are better off without me”, and robbing him of his sense of agency; “What’s the point? I am going to fail anyway.” He stopped attending school and would keep himself shut in his room where he would sit for hours trying to “numb the hyper buzz” with video games.If we pay attention to the workings of overthinking, one thing stands out – it inflicts society’s agenda of perfection, productivity and performance on us. We internalise this agenda, believe it as truth and beat ourselves for not measuring up.

The fight is futile: It is like being caught in a metaphorical quicksand and the more we get into trying to lash our way out of it, the more stuck we get. Suppose I asked you to sit quietly and not overthink the problem you have been struggling with recently. What would happen? You are right! In the next 10 minutes, there would be a battleground raging inside you, leaving you more exhausted and entrenched in overthinking. Shiv explained this “hyper buzz” as a well-meaning overworked teacher who has to make you follow society’s curriculum to protect you from shame, misery and failure. Telling the teacher to shut up will just crank up its voice even further.

People have found respite from overthinking through meditation, yoga, mindfulness etc. Here are some innovative, unconventional ideas children and young people have found as a way to dispel it:

Curiosity: Next time overthinking shows up, observe it from all angles. Where does it show up in the body? How would you describe the sensation — hot, cold, heavy, piercing, front, back, left, right? What happens when you gently breathe into it until it feels lighter? After checking for the sensation, if overthinking does not step away, ask some questions to see through some of its tricks — what is it trying to convince me of? What is it pushing me to believe about myself, or the world? How is it comparing me to others? What predictions is it trying to make about the future? The more curious we get, the more we are able to distance ourselves from the overthinking swamp.

Compassion: One day Shiv came in with a smile and told me that he had started “hugging hyper-buzz demon.” He explained that he had learned to be alert to the earliest signs that it was creeping up on him, breathe out and turn to it with compassionate curiosity. Maybe you could try the ABC approach in your life: be Alert to the early signs of overthinking, Breathe in and out a few times deeply (maybe put a gentle hand on the sensation that is showing up) and invite Compassionate curiosity. How long has it been around for? How is it trying to serve you or protect you? What would look like if rather than taking an adversarial position, you could hug the overworked teacher, thank them for their relentless services but maybe let them know that they can retire now?

Playfulness: All Harry Potter fans know that Riddikulus is a spell used against boggarts. A boggart is a shape-shifter that feeds on fear and is dispelled by laughter. To get rid of it, the caster has to think of something outrageously funny and ridiculous. For example, Saanvi was struggling with what she called “brain churn”, which convinced her that she would be fired for messing up her work. So we tried a little experiment — Saanvi tried to visualise the “brain-churn” as a cartoon like figure, which would get up and start a full-on tantrum — flinging and kicking on the ground, changing colours, dancing to Bollywood music. Every time “brain-churn” tuned up, Saanvi was quick to add a dash of humour, laughter and playfulness into the mix and see it quickly dissolve. Now, it is your turn to give shape and voice to the overthinking that is pestering you. Amplify and make it as ridiculous as possible until it dissolves.

Humankind has been through immense hardships, pain, and losses in the last three years. My conversations with children have really helped me “get out of my head” through dollops of curiosity, compassion and playfulness. What a great recipe for living our lives!

(Shelja Sen is a narrative and family therapist, writer, co-founder of Children First. In this column she curates the know-how of the children and youth she has the honour of working with. Email her at shelja.sen@childrenfirstindia.com)