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This is an archive article published on September 11, 2010
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Opinion Fury and fun

Yamuna rising in TV studios

indianexpress

Saubhik Chakrabarti

September 11, 2010 12:01 AM IST First published on: Sep 11, 2010 at 12:01 AM IST

One of the things about government,it has no sense of fun. No sense at all. This evidently applies to sarkari broadcasters,too. Thus it was that on Thursday evening,a Doordarshan reporter sounded disappointingly sober while talking to the anchor. The reporter basically said that a rising Yamuna is pretty unlikely to make Delhi look like the sets of Waterworld; private broadcasters,the DD journalists concluded,were perhaps overestimating things a bit.

Guys,guys,what about your TRPs,huh? Where’s the fun,DD? Yeah,you were right —Delhi will cope with a rising Yamuna just as Mumbai coped with Cyclone Phyan. But that’s totally not the point — if you want to compete in the news TV market. For that you need this: On Times Now the anchor says the capital is bracing itself for a catastrophy (sic) of sorts. ‘Catastrophe’ is the word,really. But look at me,quibbling while I may get washed away.

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Times Now says,disapprovingly,the Delhi CM put up a brave front and she called the situation “serious”. What should the CM have done? She should have looked terrified in front of news cameras and sobbed,my city is facing a catastrophy of sorts. Then,the journalism of sorts that news TV gives us could have really had a go. Still,Times Now didn’t give up. After the catastrophy bit,there was dramatic music — think background score of ’70s Bollywood film as lustful villain approaches unsuspecting,pure heroine—and then,‘Delhi braces for floods’. The anchor said Yamuna water has crossed the 206-metre mark. The reporter said the latest update from Delhi government is that the level is 205.49 metres. Who do I believe? The anchor,of course. Water levels,temperature levels,political corruption levels,pretty much any level,are always higher inside TV studios than outside. That’s why TV studios are such fun places.

That’s why CNN-IBN’s morning news show had ‘Monsoon Fury’ as its theme,with a photograph of a man and a woman,three-quarters submerged. All sorts of catastrophy in that photo. ‘Yamuna crosses danger mark’,said the bigger on-screen caption,the smaller one,right below,said,‘River Yamuna flowing at danger mark’. You see the beauty of this,as you brace for the catastrophy? Yamuna is flowing at and over the danger mark at the same time? Take your pick. I think,just as it was in Times Now,Yamuna was flowing higher inside the CNN-IBN studio than outside.

The CNN-IBN reporter said it is very unlikely that Yamuna water will come into residential areas as such. ‘As such’? The anchor said that is reassuring,as it comes,at the moment. ‘As it comes’? This kind of news TV talk,as it comes,is hard to figure out but is quite entertaining,as such.

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IBN 7 was clearer: when Yamuna’s water level hits 207 metres,it said,there will be water pretty much everywhere. This is science,man! 207 metres = Doomed Delhi. So exact. So confident. Science masquerading as journalism.

I checked out Headlines Today. Headlines Today said ‘Delhi braces for Friday flood fury’. ‘Fury’? Yes,because it alliterates with ‘Friday’ and ‘flood’. That’s crucial when news TV writes headlines not just for today,but any day. Some headline suggestions for Headlines Today for other current stories: ‘Ohio & Obama outsourcing outrage’; ‘Dreading Delhi’s Dengue Danger’; ‘Punished Pak players packed-off’. Hey,this is great fun. But let’s remember the situation is serious—oh dear,no,no,that makes me sound like Sheila Dikshit.

The situation is a catastrophy of sorts because Headlines Today said these swirling waters are on their way to Delhi and could wreak havoc. I had a vision: those nasty,mean swirling waters from Haryana,stopping at a dhaba for a quick snack “on their way” to Delhi,where we wait,for havoc,fury and catastrophy.

saubhik.chakrabarti@expressindia.com