Opinion A Moment of 2G Zen

It was a wonderful moment,like a reunion week for all this column’s old friends. On Times Now’s News Hour,10 to 12 elderly men would sputter in anger,for hour after hour,night after night,expertly fulfilling the central purpose of the electronic news media: to leave you more confused than when you started. On NDTV — hour after hour,night after night — party spokespeople would repeat,in a bored monotone,their parties’ ridiculous talking points for the day,expertly fulfilling the central purpose of a party spokesperson: to put you to sleep. And on CNN-IBN,we had Subramanian Swamy.

Yes! It was jackpot time for Swamy: not only was the letter G in some relationship with the digit 2,on which relationship Swamy is apparently an expert because of his ability to use both in a sentence; but,also,P. Chidambaram was in trouble or — alternatively,and equally probably — was not in trouble. You could almost sense IBN’s thoughts: Swamy would no doubt be excited enough by this combination of circumstances to say something shocking and completely unreliable,and that’s what the TV business is all about,yes sir.

So there he was on IBN,being feted by Rajdeep Sardesai as the “man who started it all”. (Presumably he,as a Kochi stringer for The Pioneer,thought there was something fishy — oh no,wait,that was the actual guy they say broke the story.) Sardesai wanted to “raise a question” — is it time for the PM to “come clean on the 2G mess?” Such an expertly crafted talking point! A subtle indication that the PM must be hiding something,that there’s something to “come clean” about; and the timid deniability of “just raising the question”. Magnificent. In case you were wondering,the breathless,hyper-respectful,even awed questioning of Swamy by Sardesai ended when they reached the following agreement: “Coming clean is a responsibility in a democracy.” Either that was an entire chapter in my civics textbook and I was sick that day,or it means nothing at all whatsoever. Thanks,IBN.

But the moment of Zen,as Jon Stewart would put it,comes only at the end of the week-long show. And that was the 6 pm press conference in which Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee spoke to Delhi’s assembled press corps,against the background of New Delhi sandstone and the granite face of the Wronged Man,P. Chidambaram. Even photos of the event,with the brown safari-suited Mukherjee caught in mid-declamation as three stern ministers in white khadi loomed over his shoulder with their eyes fixed on the piece of paper he’s reading out,don’t do justice to how earth-shatteringly silly it was on television. Because there you understood why Mukherjee had to open his mouth quite that wide: he was shouting over the noise of the assembled cameramen,all jostling for the best possible shot. NDTV’s footage was the best,because their camera guy clearly gave up and shot from the back. You could barely hear Mukherjee,six feet away,but you had a lovely view of at least three good scuffles breaking out between the camera and the FM. And there it was,the most succinct summary of news today: a pointless note read out loudly to douse a pointless controversy being drowned out by scuffles between various worthies in the media.

Nothing could make the moment more perfect. Except on CNN-IBN,where they turned,instantly,for wisdom and guidance to — Subramanian Swamy. mihir.sharma@expressindia.com