Guest Disappearance

Our homes have shrunk,from sprawling courtyards where large families could pack in their lives and quirks,and not mind the crush of half-a-dozen,to cosy 2BHKs meant for compact units of four. And our work lives have expanded,the nine-to-five often spilling over into long nights of frantic deadlines. The generous lady of the house,who thought nothing of rustling up a meal for a dozen at an hours notice,is now a harried professional,fatigued of both work and home. No wonder then,that the time and space for the long-staying house guest,who came laden with jars of homemade achar and poppadum,settled into the spare room for weeks,updated you on the family gossip and sometimes asked pesky questions,has been squeezed out. The guest was god once,now atithi devo bhava is the stuff of fable,and tacky government ads.

When did you last have a guest stay over for a long period or vice versa unless there was a wedding or a mishap at home? The Bohres,married now for eight years,have not once found time to visit Vikass sister in Indore.

Once,childhood memories were made of such easy exchange of hospitality: when visiting ones relative during summer holidays was the most looked-forward-to event in the calendar; when even a two-month-long break was not enough to bond with cousins,or get pampered by nana-nani and mama-maami. Delhi-based doctor couple Dr Pradeep Misra and his wife belong to a generation that still has fond memories of those days,unlike their two daughters,both of whom are college students. But they dont seem to be missing it either. They are happy on Facebook and Twitter, says Dr Misra.  

Realtor Dennis B Thomas,who stays with his wife and daughter in Bangalore,takes a pragmatic view of things. With everyone busy chasing their own careers,Thomas feels that it is only natural that the relative traffic has reduced both ways. He likes having relatives over,he says,but not unexpected visits that end up disrupting their schedule. For example,when his wife Sapnas cousin from Kerala was planning to visit them last year,they requested her to postpone the trip by a week as Sapna,a professional Kuchipudi dancer,had a performance slated in the US the same week. Its better to plan and co-ordinate rather than cause inconvenience,even if its just for a day. We do the same when we visit our relatives and at times,we make our own stay arrangements too, says Thomas.

We are no longer people who can lose ourselves in the conviviality of crowds of relatives. Urban Indians are beginning to demand and enjoy their personal space. Pune-based engineer Sharmila Navgires teenaged children are uncomfortable with the idea of having a relative over for more than a day. Even when they have to visit their mothers hometown in Solapur,Amrita 18 and Shreyas 13 agree to come along on the condition that they will be back the next day. There is no privacy there. We dont even get a room to ourselves, says Amrita.  

A room of our own,doors firmly shut on the unpredictability that relatives entail. Mumbai-based Surendra Joshi name changed,who comes to Pune once a week to meet his wife Purva and three-year-old daughter Prisha,refuses to entertain relatives on weekends. I hardly get time to be with my wife and daughter. The idea of having a relative over completely blows my mind, says Joshi,a 33-year-old HR professional. Especially after last Diwali,when he took a weeks leave to stay at home and found that a distant cousin of Purva had arrived in Pune in search of a job. The young man ended up staying for over 15 days,and his habits did nothing to endear him to the Joshis. He would watch TV till late in the night and wake up in the afternoon. He would use any of the towels he came across. The guest room was a complete mess, says Purva. After spending a not-so-good Diwali vacation,Surendra left for Mumbai. A week later,Purva politely asked the guest to leave,saying she urgently needed to fly to Delhi. The last bit wasnt entirely untrue; instead of Delhi,she fled to Mumbai to be with Surendra and make up for lost time.

In this tiny inner circle,only parents and close friends are allowed in.

Vikas and Prachis parents,for example,visit them often. And they are always welcome because they are not demanding and their visit doesnt require us to put up any kind of pretence, says Prachi.

If ties are coming unstuck,blame the pressures of urban life,says consulting psychiatrist from Pune,Dr Soumitra Pathare. He cites the example of Mumbai,where people spend three to four hours a day travelling. Life is structured in such a way that even if they want,people cannot fit in relatives in their schedules, he says. But he points out that lives are emptier without the emotional and practical support from relatives and friends.

Gurgaon-based Meena Karakoti would agree. She makes it a point to send her children,Nalin and Ryani,every year to her home in Uttarakhand,for 10-15 days at least. She feels that the time spent there will keep the children rooted and develop their social and inter-personal skills. In the city,they are occupied with studies,friends,tuition classes,TV,PSPs and so many other things. They need to learn about other relations and values too, says Karakoti,wife of a businessman. The children,who share a special bond with their grandparents,also look forward to this break.

Another couple from Pune,Gaurav and Shikha Varma,have found a suitably Web 2.0 way to connect. Every weekend,they sit in front of their laptops for a lengthy video-calling session with relatives in Chandigarh and Delhi. Theres small talk on Skype; gossip on GTalk. The guest room doesnt have to be opened. And it is easy to switch off.