The rosogolla route

We wish the sweet initiative success, and hope that it shall be extended to equally important sectors. There is a case, for instance, for the immediate patenting of the definitive Bengali umbrella designed by K.C. Paul, which stands for one of the core values of the race — the importance of protection from the elements. It is worth noting that the gentlemen in monkey-caps who dot the streets of every Indian city in winter are invariably Bengalis. Superficially indistinguishable from an ordinary brolly, the K.C. Paul product is to the umbrella world what Zippo is to cigarette lighters. Several other products and institutions closely linked to the Bengali psyche are similarly worth patenting.

There is the half-tea, a tiny helping in an earthenware cup that must be periodically consumed to keep tannin levels up. Every reader of the supplements knows there is nothing better in the world than tannin for staving off the common cold, gastritis (endemic to West Bengal) and senility, with the possible exception of ginseng. But we believe that the latter has already been patented somewhere in Southeast Asia. One of Bengal’s greatest institutions is already patented — Aqua Ptychotis is a concoction which reminds Bengalis of their childhood and less enlightened races of mouthwash. Administered in the formative years, it guarantees protection from the crippling depredations of acidity for all time.

Many everyday culinary products are also worthy candidates. There is a strong case for patenting the famous poppy-seed boluses without which no midday meal is complete. Completely legal, it is almost as potent as a heroin injection and guarantees the inability to work in the latter half of the day. Which, in turn, allows West Bengal to remain rooted in its history while the rest of the country runs after illusory futures.

And there is the roadside roll, which guarantees further incapacitation until late in the evening. Finally, there is hilsa in mustard sauce. This product, in particular, should be patented immediate, canned and exported. Then the rest of the world will be debilitated by acidity and India will finally be ready to do what its leaders have always dreamed of– fan out and take over. Come to think of it, there is perhaps a case for patenting Chief Minister Jyoti Basu. Lesser communists have had to make do with an embalmed Lenin. Ours, on the other hand, could build a neural network to house Jyoti Basu’s personality. It would be so much neater and more aesthetic.