Study fails to credit women

But then I noticed what was missing from that list.

Marriage.

According to all kinds of research, married men live longer, healthier lives. Divorced, widowed and never-married men were all likely to die before their married friends. Researchers from one of these studies, conducted at the University of California, Los Angeles and published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health last year, could not say whether the men were single because of their disgusting health habits or whether single guys are too busy doing what they darn well pleased to take care of their health.

But other researchers have speculated that women are the gatekeepers of the health care system, and that when you marry one, she will make sure you see a doctor regularly.

She will probably also nag you into exercising, losing weight, taking your blood pressure medicine, and she will make you quit smoking. There is some speculation that the stress of divorce or the death of a spouse or a simple breakup can take a toll on a man’s health, explaining the poor prospects for single or widowed guys.

But I swear there is nothing more stressful than marriage — it is the emotional equivalent of a marathon — and if anybody is going to die young, it is the guy trapped in the same house with a woman who won’t let him smoke, drink beer, eat pizza or watch TV and who makes him go for regular prostate exams.

If I am that guy, I’m not sure I’d want to live to be 90, if you know what I mean. There is also research that suggests that women generate a couple’s social network and arrange the kind of social interaction that is also important to a man’s health. In other words, all those dinner parties and holiday gatherings she sets in motion are good for you, even if she drives you like a mule to help her get ready for them.

Those are the people, after all, who will be coming with casseroles and unwanted advice and medical misinformation when you get sick, and that’s good for your health, too, according to all the best research.

Remember, without her, you’d be drinking beer and eating pizza by yourself in front of the TV, but the big clock on the wall would be ticking down your minutes to live. Anyway, this new study, which makes the completely obvious point that if you stay healthy you will live longer, fails — as is so often the case — to give women the credit they deserve. If it were not for women, the home furnishings industry, and most men, would apparently die a wasting death. In fact, I see a public health campaign in this research.

There should be signs in bars and on golf courses and in men’s rooms at ball parks and in the office: “Get married, or you’re a dead man.”

I mean, why bother with subtlety with a group that has to be told that being a fat, inactive smoker means you will die sooner rather than later?