Sleepless in Singapore, clueless in Delhi

I discover the internet kiosks. Between 11 in the night and 6 in the morning, internet access is free. Nor is it very expensive outside those hours. I catch up on my e-mail and read The Financial Express on the net.

Now what? I discover a transit hotel. I can get a room till evening for around 50 US dollars. However, no rooms are free till 9 in the morning. Till then, I have the choice of playing free video games and even competing for cash prizes. Exhibiting my age, I opt for the free movie theatre. Nicholas Cage is busy stealing 50 cars and Mira Nair is portraying the Perez family. In between, I access the ATM, take out some local currency and get a bite to eat. Check into the hotel and sleep. The transit has been seamless and given a choice, I will opt for transit through Singapore again. Or perhaps Dubai, Hong Kong or Bangkok.

When I left Delhi, it was quite different. There are free telephones beyond emigration and before security. They don’t work. Actually, they haven’t worked for quite some time. You keep pressing ‘0’ and if you are lucky at some point, you may get a dial tone. But you may not be able to hear. If the telephone doesn’t work, you are supposed to dial ‘9’ to get the operator. The operator won’t pick up the phone.

Security objects to my carrying a coconut in my hand baggage. A coconut? Why should I carry a coconut? The bag is opened and security is falling over backwards looking for the elusive coconut. No coconut is found, but the mystery is solved. My reading glasses are in the bag. Through the X-ray machine, the glasses look like a pair of coconuts. We probably have special X-ray machines. Nowhere else in the world have my glasses been mistaken for coconuts.

However, a box of matches is seized. Are matches allowed? The answer seems to vary. On domestic flights, they are evidently barred. On international flights, the answer is less obvious. Other countries are also obsessed with security. They prohibit lighters but allow matches. On Indian international flights, the answer is left to security’s discretion.

Don’t misunderstand. I don’t want my matches for smoking. Once you have left the plane and want a smoke, you can always get a light from someone.

The matches serve a different purpose. Your check-in baggage has gone through a machine and has been firmly and securely taped. At your destination, you have checked into your hotel and have to take that tape apart. By the way, no other country I know of seems to have this taping process. Have you ever tried to take that tape apart? It is impossible. Typically, hotel rooms have bottle-openers.

They don’t have knives. Nor are you allowed sharp instruments in your hand baggage to cut the tape. Matches can be used to burn the tape through, if you have your matches. Otherwise, the first thing you do on checking into a hotel is to call housekeeping and ask for a knife.

Who says India doesn’t change? There are two internet kiosks now, operated by MTNL. You can pay through credit cards. I have been observing these kiosks for some time. First they said, ‘‘New installation. Will be activated on 26th February.’’ February 26 came and went. The sign now says, ‘‘Will be activated shortly.’’ ‘Shortly’ is a deliciously vague expression. No time limit has been set. Below that sign, someone has scrawled, jaldi karo bhai. And there is another scrawl, ‘‘Will be activated by zzzzz’’.

The carpets are also gradually being changed. Whoever thought of these blue carpets in the first place? They are dirty, filthy and the muck shows. Very gradually, some carpets are being uprooted and replaced by marble slabs. Except that the slabs are not laid properly. There are gaps between the slabs. Dirt shows. So do cigarette butts and burnt matchsticks. Smoking is ostensibly banned.

Singapore is also extremely tough on smoking. You can’t smoke except in designated smoking areas. In India, smoking is banned throughout. No designated smoking areas. Hence, people smoke everywhere. As long as there isn’t a ‘‘No Smoking’’ sign right above your head.

Do you want to complain about something? Don’t bother. Yes, there are forms for complaining. But these are forms for complaining about immigration. Why should you complain about immigration when you are actually emigrating? Perhaps the answer is that foreigners don’t want to take a chance. If you complain about immigration before you have passed through emigration, you may not be allowed to leave the country. I used one of these forms once to complain about the carpets. No one bothered to reply.

Can you imagine what it takes to transit through Indira Gandhi International Airport? If a non-resident requires such transit, can you blame that person from avoiding transit through Delhi, or anywhere in India for that matter?

In cricket parlance, seamless suggests that Indian wickets are not attended to. Indian wickets and Indian airports send you for spins. This is not to suggest that India is no improving, in airports or other parameters. The issue is the benchmark. Compared to what things were like in India earlier, there have been changes. And we can pat ourselves on the back for this time-series improvement.