O brothers, where art thou?

Just as well their clothes did their talking for them, because after Mukesh Ambani said there are, ‘‘ownership issues that are in the private domain’’, on CNBC-TV18, the Ambanis have sealed their lips so, you can’t read them. The one time Anil opened his mouth, he said nothing at all: ‘‘I hope you will appreciate I have not spoken till now…’’ Yeah, yeah.

In the absence of authentic sound bytes, the brothers appear to be making strategic leaks. That doesn’t make for good television. Television news likes to shove the microphone down your throat, locate your voice box and wrench the words out of you.

Which is how it all began. What’s so intriguing about this juicy, real life Kyunki… (where bad brother Ansh tries to wrest control of the Virani business empire and do his elder brothers in) is why Mukesh Ambani, usually a man of few media words, chose to make the most important pronouncement of his life, off the cuff, on CNBC-TV18. Dhirubhai would never have done a Mukesh.

The disclosure reminded us of the Uma Bharati outburst on live TV a short while ago. We know young people wear low-slung loose waistband jeans in order to reveal their underwear, but ask yourself: why are politicians and, now, businessmen exposing what lies beneath?

CNBC-TV18 had the best and most comprehensive coverage of the Ambani issue. As an example, Thursday night had an excellent show with a very competent female anchor, in the company of two experts, unravelling the mystery of the 14 investment companies and people acting in concert who will decide who controls Reliance. They managed to explain the crucial importance of the matter in language so free of jargon, you didn’t realise you watched a business channel.

Have we begun to treat the media as a public convenience where we, er, relieve ourselves? Not just politicians and businessmen—everyone’s intent on speaking out. A sip of Koffee with Karan (Star World) is likely to scald your tongue. This is the Stardust of television. All they ever do on the show is make catcalls—preferably of the meow kind. First, Shah Rukh Khan goes for Aamir, Salman Khan and Ajay Devgan, then it’s

Kajol’s turn to tell us what she thinks of Preity Zinta—precious little—without speaking.

Next, Rani Mukherjee and Kareena Kapoor are pitted against each other: her male co-stars rate Kareena over Rani in the oomph department while they think Rani is the better actress. Watch them squirm like snails.

Karan Johar is a self-confessed, self-indulgent anchor: he conversed with the actresses solely on roles they had or hadn’t refused in his films: Kareena was offered Preity’s role in Kal Ho Na Ho but she did not return Johar’s phonecall. ‘‘Like I am so close to you, and you did not come to me…’’ Sob, sob.

They spent forever talking about Preity because Karan itched for them to bitch. Then, it was Preity’s turn to say a few (nice!) things about them. All of it as unreal as false eyelashes. At the end of the show, you learnt little about Kareena or Rani, and were left wondering why Preity is the only cloud in their coffee.