Not okay, Sallu bhai

I am quite a fan of yours, and have just got back from seeing Har Dil Jo Pyar Karega. So I thought of writing to you with a few thoughts that struck me while watching the movie:
1. That Har Dil.. has been lifted loosely from While You Were Sleeping has been announced in practically every paper recently. And when you are adapting a Hollywood hit for India, it stands to reason that you must Indianise it. So be it. But do you have to Bollywoodise it so that the first interesting thing that happens in the movie is a surprise just before the interval? No, don’t worry, I won’t spoil the few chances Har Dil… has of drawing even at the box-office by breaking your bhanda.
2. You are a Bollywood veteran now. Don’t you think it’s time you did something a little different, a bit more mature? The Jim Carrey act was good while it was newafter so many long years of it, one can’t even summon a yawn any more. Strange noises and weird gestures are no longer cool, Sallu bhai, grow up.
3. Where were you when they were shooting the introductory song in Har Dil…? One could see you were miles away, totally dissociated from the bevy of firangs jostling you. Maana a song that goes Ik garam chai ki pyali ho, koi usko pilane wali ho can turn even the most enthusiastic actor thanda. But surely you could summon up a slightly less disinterested expression? Or if you couldn’t, surely you could have advised director Raj Kanwar that the movie would work just as fine without the song?
4. Cool sets and designer clothes made Kuchh Kuchh Hota Hai a hit, or so you believed. But what you and Raj Kanwarji missed while watching KKHH was that it also had a very tightly scripted story. Not one scene could have been described as in excess. Har Dil… could have easily been one and a half hours shorter, and no one the sorrier. I myself would suggest the first 25 minutes, and maybe the last one hour?
5. Both Rani Mukherjee and Preity Zinta are hot and happening. Preity especially is really cool. But why is it, do you think, that they seemed to vibe better with each other in the movie than with you? Rani to fell into a coma the moment she saw you. Did Kanwarji promise her Shah Rukh at the end to get her back to reality?
6. Sallu hai, a Hindi movie can be made without a fight and still be a hit. For reference, please watch Kya Kehna.
7. Apart from the initial aberration, Anu Malik has come up with some nice numbers for Har Dil…. But when you insist on taking the songs to fantasy land and shooting them in foreign locales, it’s like you’re taking a break from the film itself. At least that’s what the people around me thought. Most of them walked out for Pepsi refills. Some never came back.

Sorry Sallu bhai, I was really looking forward to Har Dil Jo Pyar Karega, but having seen it, I am wondering why I expected something new from you. After all, you fail me each time.
In disappointment,A Fan.Har Dil Jo Pyar Karega *ing Salman Khan, Rani Mukherjee, Preity Zinta, Avtar Gill, Kamini Kaushal; Directed by Raj Kanwar; Music by Anu Malik Mimmy Jain