Men’s locker room as commentators’ box

On the first day of the Sydney test match, they invited an attractive young woman into the commentary box and proceeded to verbally assault her. Openly leering at her, they asked if she’d like to perform a spot of ‘‘physiotherapy’’ and they did not have the Andrew Leipus variety in mind, either.

Such crudity can be expected in a locker room. On TV and coming from two middle-aged, lustful left-hand bowlers, old enough to be the girl’s fathers, it’s disgusting. The show is a male pervert’s fantasy. A viewer’s poll decides between three girls (no boys) like they’re sheep at an auction. Then, Shastri, with a raunchy roll of his tongue, asks the ‘chosen’ one a few personal questions:

‘‘Ruby, what do you do in Australia?’’

‘‘I have just graduated from Psychology.’’

‘‘Psychology?’’ repeats Shastri like it’s a kangaroo position in the Kama Sutra he’d like to attempt.

‘‘Do you have a husband or boyfriend?’’

‘‘No.’’

‘‘Will psychology help you find a husband or boyfriend?’’

On Sunday, Shastri touched Alka just above her knee, at least four times in four seconds.

Grow up.

Someone forgot to tell PTV’s weather department that there’s been a thaw in Indo-Pak relations. In its weather reports, PTV announced the temperature in Srinagar alongside Pakistani cities (?).

Every last TV journalist arrived in Pakistan to bring us 6,000-plus Sensex feel-good stories about baby Noor, the love of the common people, the reshmi kebab ‘‘awaiting Vajpayee’’ (Aaj Tak). This is the Discovery of Pakistan and TV crews are delighted by what they’ve discovered: people who look like them and have like-minded tastes: Aishwarya Rai, IT industry, film industry and the Taj Mahal (NDTV 24X7).

Meanwhile, a curious thing’s happened to Saarc: upon its arrival in Islamabad, it vanished. Indian TV channels couldn’t find it. That’s because they had eyes only for India and Pakistan. Every headline up to Saturday night began something like this: India and Pakistan, Pakistan and India, Pakistan and India at Saarc, India and Pakistan at Saarc — like Saarc was a hotel venue for the two neighbours.

Violence at Jammu’s railway station. Late Friday night, Aaj Tak and Sahara Samay were on the spot, live, DD News Headlines had not heard of Jammu or its railway station and NDTV felt so good about India and Pakistan, it gave the story short shrift: as its Jammu correspondent described the heroic exploits of one brave officer, the anchor cut in: ‘‘We’ll have to leave it at that,’’ as though nothing, not even reality must intrude upon our dreams of Indo-Pak hi-hi.

Headlines Today. For a channel that lived off its chic appearance and the pre-puberty voices of its male presenters, the new format is a fake. One moment it pretends to be a real TV newsroom with two people sitting in the background staring at blank computer screens, the next it’s dark blue and chrome, straight off the sets of Star Wars.

And would someone please gift the Teenage Today anchors (a) a dictionary and (b) a Jockey brief history of modern India, circa 2000? Then, Jhajhar Singh need not apply to Mr M.S.Gill for definitions. ‘‘The EC says it is ‘technically’ possible (to hold early elections),’’ he trilled. ‘‘What does ‘technically’ mean?’’ The opposite of ‘not technically possible’? Under considerable intellectual duress in passing himself off as an informed anchor, Singh commits more errors now than he did when he was simply the portrait of a young man as uninformed anchor. It’s so unfair.

Lyngdoh. After letting loose a ‘‘cancer’’, he’s gone into regression. ‘‘I don’t want to be involved any further,’’ he told NDTV 24X7 when asked to explain the impropriety of his medical diagnosis of politicians.

Increasingly, Lyngdoh resembles a lemon: squeeze hard enough and you’ll get some juice out of him. When NDTV’s anchor pressed him on the issue of a bureaucrat opening his mouth wide open to allow everything to fall out, he said a bureaucrat ‘‘serves the Government’’, and added for good measure: ‘‘Secretary to government is not ‘someone’s personal secretary to take dictation’.’’ How about orders?