Hillary’s Revenge

Although the speech that Hillary Clinton will deliver to the Democratic National Convention will, no doubt, be a model of decorum, the New Y...

Although the speech that Hillary Clinton will deliver to the Democratic National Convention will, no doubt, be a model of decorum, the New York senator had to work through some personal issues to get to that point.

What had upset Sen. Clinton was being denied a speaking slot — any speaking slot. Only after considerable lobbying on her behalf was a spot found for her — introducing her husband. Just how angry Sen. Clinton was at this slight could clearly be seen in the first draft she wrote of her speech:

Convention delegates, honoured guests, all you drunks in the straw hats. I stand before you this evening with mixed emotions. On the one hand, I am happy to have this opportunity. On the other, I’m really, really honked off that I had to beg the Kerry people like a dog to have it.

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‘‘You know, maybe the girlie men who are running the show right now should ask themselves this question: If old Herman Munster loses in November, who’s going to be calling the shots four years from now? And don’t give me John Edwards, because pretty boy’s magic hair is thinner than Bush’s upper lip. I’ll tell you who is going to be in charge — ME. And just so you know, when my time comes, the only way you are going to get in is if you’re pushing a broom.

‘‘But I’m so very, very happy to be here this evening. Of course, I think it’s unfortunate that I’m not here in my own right, that I’m here introducing my pant-load of a husband like some brainless, stay-at-home cookie baker. Come on, they picked Al Gore before me? Never mind watching paint dry, he’s like listening to paint dry. I mean, I’m surprised they’re not having Dukakis drive up in a tank and say a few words.

‘‘Nonetheless, I’m delighted to be introducing Bill. A lot of people think that I am jealous that Bill’s book did better than my book. Not so. Bill’s book did better than mine for one reason, and we all know what that thong-flashing reason’s name is. Just imagine my book sales if I had done the wild thing with a few interns.

‘‘And just to clear this up, I’m not at all put off by the fact that I’m the one with the power now, not Bill. I’m the US senator. I’m the next Democratic presidential nominee. I’m the future leader of the free world.

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‘‘Anyway, allow me to introduce my husband, the former President of the United States, a man who embodies the American dream, and a person, who despite what he wrote in his book about us getting back together, is still sleeping on the couch.

‘‘Ladies and gentlemen, I give you — William Jefferson Rodham, er, Clinton.’’

(LAT-WP)

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