Clean and lovely

I have always held that organisations like the Committee for the Scrutiny of Social Behaviour, Smut and Salaciousness CSSS serve a very us...

I have always held that organisations like the Committee for the Scrutiny of Social Behaviour, Smut and Salaciousness CSSS serve a very useful social function. They have, after all, taken upon themselves the socially affirming and uplifting task of cleansing this morally decrepit society of ours. A most valuable and edifying exercise, you would agree, for a nation rendered flabby through a steady diet of Raveena Tandon8217;s chest exercises and Shilpa Shetty8217;s hip-grinding routine. I, therefore, decided to visit the chairperson of the CSSS to discover for myself what his project was all about.

8220;Namaskarji,8221; I said, 8220;I have come to learn about what your organisation stands for.8221;

8220;Welcome, welcome, sister,8221; he said, 8220;The CSSS stands for purity of thought and action for all.8221;

8220;Good show,8221; I said, 8220;But how will you ensure this?8221;8220;Read our manifesto, sister, read our manifesto,8221; he urged. 8220;It outlines three principles. Principle No 1. People shall put on their clothes in the morning and not takethem off in public,8221; he pronounced in firm tones.8220;What if it is a hot day and you feel hot around the collar?8221; I asked.8220;Exceptions can be made in a few cases, but only after procuring a certificate stating the reason for the action,8221; he said.8220;But who will provide this certificate?8221; I asked, perplexed.

8220;Don8217;t worry, sister, we have made all arrangements for your suvidha. Our volunteers will fan out throughout the length and breadth of this country. They will note temperature of day and other sundry details, after which the affected person can take off his shirt without worry of follow-up action,8221; he said.

8220;Follow-up action?8221; I asked, scared.

8220;Madam, every crime must have its punishment,8221; said the chairman. 8220;Our volunteers will be authorised to break into the homes of offenders and break all fragile items housed therein.8221;

8220;What about Principle No 2?8221; I asked, with some trepidation.8220;Principle No 2 states that no obscene word may be uttered in public. If a word like sex8217; needs to beused by a medical student, for instance, he shall avoid pronouncing it but convey, through sounds, the sense of it.8221;

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This confused me no end. 8220;Wouldn8217;t that make communication difficult?8221; I asked. 8220;How would you say, for instance, a sentence that runs the female sex is endowed with well-developed breasts.8221;

8220;S-s-sister,8221; whistled the chairman through his teeth, 8220;If you talk dirty like this in public, I will have to call in my volunteers. But since you ask for purposes of knowledge, the CSSS would like it put this way: The female s-dash-dash is endowed with well-developed b-dash-dash-dash-dash-dash-s.8221;8220;Ah, I get it,8221; I said weakly, although I didn8217;t.

8220;Principle No 3,8221; the chairman went on, without as much as batting an eyelid, 8220;bans kissing and hugging in public. All public demonstrations of affection will be discouraged. Every hotel room, taxi and park bench in the country shall be monitored round the clock to bring to light instances of moral depravity8230;8221;

8220;What if the people thusapprehended happen to be married to each other?8221; I asked uneasily.

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8220;A marriage certificate will, no doubt, lessen the gravity of the crime, provided it is furnished within moments of the volunteer apprehending the transgressor8230;8221;

8220;Ah,8221; I said, weakly.

8220;However,8221; continued the chairman, 8220;we will endeavour to prevail on such misguided people, married though they may be to each other, to ensure that such acts as they may perpetrate upon each other from time to time be committed strictly in the privacy of their bedrooms.8221;

8220;What if a mother wants to kiss her son goodbye?8221; I hesitatingly asked.8220;If the woman can provide a birth certificate of the person she has kissed, testifying to the fact that she has indeed given birth to him, she will have no cause for worry. Mother love is part of our glorious heritage and will be allowed free expression8230;8221; said the chairman.

8220;However,8221; he continued, raising his arm in a grand gesture, 8220;if the suspicions of our volunteers are aroused, they couldeven demand a DNA certificate to testify to this relationship.8221; He added in a chatty fashion, 8220;You can never be careful enough in these difficult times, you know.8221;

8220;Ah,8221; I nodded, in exhausted agreement.

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By now the chairman was in full flow, 8220;Further, sister, we have also issued a directive that all round objects be they light fittings, footballs, bulbs, etc., etc. in the country will be redesigned henceforth so that they will not create dirty thoughts in the minds of the people. We will ban the import of Viagra. We will8230;..8221;

By now my head was fairly buzzing with clean, laundered thoughts till I felt I couldn8217;t take any more. 8220;Thank you, chairmanji,8221; I said, almost in a whisper, and vamoosed from the precincts of the CSSS offices.