Ballot for ballot

But we must try and get it right this time. A little forward planning is what is required. That’s why I took the trouble to draw up a check-list of do’s and don’ts for political parties of all hues. All this is only by way of advice. There is no compulsion or consultancy fee involved.

First, let us begin by choosing the right candidate. There is one simple rule to be observed here. Remember, those who have been convicted are ineligible for public office, according to those killjoys at Nirvachan Sadan. I know this puts quite a few sterling types out of the reckoning, but don’t lose heart. There are plenty left in the field to choose from. Those who are named in criminal cases, charge-sheeted in cases of murder, arson, rape and rioting, or those on bail for cheating the nation to the tune of crores are all eligible and could make responsible law-makers once they are rewarded a free bungalow in Lutyen’s Delhi and free rail travel for a lifetime.

First-time MPs, now that they have declared themselves as a political party in their own right, should in my opinion be carefully monitored. If necessary, they must be made to give signed assurances that they will not, at some future date, jump ship in a bid to save their own skins. Wonder, though, what will happen to the first-time MPs of the 11th Lok Sabha?

Now we come to the tricky issue of manifestos. These are strictly documents of intent, not to be taken too seriously. Remember, no one bothers to read them if they are long enough. So the idea is to stuff them with lollipops of every description. Every group and sub-group, every sect and sub-sect, every caste and sub-caste must be made to feel that the party will strain every nerve and sinew to preserve, protect and promote them. Then there are those old chestnuts to attract the woman voter: 33-and-one-third per cent reservations for women in the Lok Sabha and total prohibition. Each can be handled quite easily should the party come to power. The first can be delayed indefinitely in Parliament through skilful floor-management, while the other can be withdrawn on grounds of financial insolvency, like the TDP’s Chandrababu Naidu demonstrated with such panache in Andhra Pradesh.

The plank each party chooses to stand on needs more careful consideration. Stability is an all-time favourite, of course, with both the Congress and the BJP laying claim to it. And for good reason too. Narasimha Rao, who led this nation for five years, went to such pains to ensure that he was stable even if it meant bribing MPs from the JMM with a sum of Rs 3.5 crore. The BJP’s 13 days at the nation’s helm may not raise visions of great permanence but Kalyan Singh’s jumbo-sized cabinet of 93 does give the impression of being as solid as a rock.

The voter would have been thoroughly confused if the UF had also chosen stability as its USP. Fortunately, it cannot. It can promise excitement, colour, drama, southern comfort, humble farmers and the Gujral Doctrine, but stability is not a word one associates with a lot that doesn’t know its right hand from its Left. Like one of those American cars, it comes with built-in obsolescence, nudging voters to go in for a new model every few months.

But, ultimately, politicians can only propose. It is the little man on the charpoy and 600 million like him who get to do the disposing. By the end of March, we should have a brand new Lok Sabha, a brand new government, and a brand new Prime Minister. They will be ready and waiting for Justice Jain to detonate with the second part of his potboiler, Who Killed Rajiv Gandhi?. Then it’s back to the little man on the charpoy all over again. That, in short, is the karmic cycle of Indian politics. The more things change, the more they don’t. Anyway, as they say, if voting changed anything, they would have made it illegal.