Ash you like it

Last week, Ash made an appearance on Oprah Primetime (Star World). When she began to speak you got a funny feeling inside. On account of her accent. It wasn’t precisely British, it wasn’t exactly American but it most certainly wasn’t her normal Indian intonation. In fact, she won’t like the comparison but when she opened her mouth, she reminded you of Salman Khan’s way of speaking English. For instance, when she said, ‘‘living with my family is such a topic…’’ she didn’t say ‘‘topic’’, she said, ‘‘tahpic’’.

At the outset, Rai responded with a series of nervous giggles but then settled down and was entertaining in her comments about India. Finally, she tried to drape Oprah in a strikingly ugly pink and peach chiffon saree and just about succeeded. Oprah, already wearing a black polo pullover, looked ridiculous. But when you are paid as well as she is (millions of dollars), she can (literally) afford to.

The English entertainment channels are just what they used to be. With the exception of Star World, that at least tries to introduce new shows on a regular basis, there is a sense of the repetitive which is almost a deja vu. Just how long have we been watching Friends on Zee Cafe, cracking the same jokes and squabbling with each other like a bunch of five-year-olds? Since whenever. The sitcom is telecast in the afternoons, in the evenings and weekend specials. Zee Cafe should go off the air.

So too should Zee Studio, the English film channel. Both are simply a rerun of themselves. If you have seen Hours once you have seen in it a hundred times. Ditto Chicago and, now, Monster. Either Zee must purchase new shows and films or drop out of the picture.

The English channels specialise in trying to make you feeling nauseous or spooked out. There’s a show called The Chronicle, for example, that has weirdo people doing all sorts of peculiar things which make no sense. AXN is all about the Fear Factor and creepy crawlies everywhere. The other night, HBO telecast a film about particularly revolting looking spiders while this other English movie channel mm1 had adult men beating elves. What is it with people?

Much more fun to watch was Discovery’s Travel and Living channel. This is the ultimate sensual, self-indulgence. You wallow in what are supposed to be the good things of life: plush, extra expensive hotels, lovely and equally expensive holiday resorts and food that are exotic and yes, expensive.

What’s wonderful about watching the channel (that’s another thing — you watch the channel not shows) is that although you know you cannot afford any of these luxuries, you still love to watch. This is the vicarious pleasure of living.

So when the anchor flops down on the most expensive double bed in Waldorf Astoria, New York, while giving us a lowdown on the 10 Best Hotels in the World, you feel you are sinking down with her; and when she eats the chocolate mousse you taste the cocoa in your mouth; and when she sips the Chardonnay, you tongue tingles… heavenly.

It’s the oddest thing. Theoretically, you would never imagine that such a channel would do anything but create unrequited passions, leading you to switch channels. But not only can you watch it mindlessly, hour upon hour, but you have a wonderful time too. You truly envy the anchors. Imagine travelling the world, visiting the world’s best everything — and eating them too — all expenses paid. No wonder they look so enormously pleased with themselves. Wouldn’t mind being in their jobs.