Must say, I’m rather enjoying this moment when the nation’s fate hangs in the balance, with its future locked up in Electronic Voting Machines. I am conscious, of course, that this is a traumatic period for our netas caught between two distinct states: the utter arrogance of power and the utter modesty of oblivion. I thought I should do my bit to smoothen their fevered brows. This column is, therefore, dedicated to all those on whose posteriors fate is preparing to apply her jackboot. The point is that there is life outside the power zone, in case our leaders haven’t noticed, and my purpose is to gently remind them of this by suggesting alternative vocations/gainful activities—should they, in the unlikely event, find themselves switched off.A B VAJPAYEE: He has proved to the nation that the secret of eternal eternal youth is politics. Should he find himself in the no-fly zone, I would suggest that he take time off and work towards discarding his bachelor status. According to Orissa’s Lovers’ Party, bachelors have demonstrated that they are unfit to rule and I would heartily endorse this sound principle of political science. Vajpayee can then go back to voters next time (even if he has to do so in a wheelchair), a properly married man.L K ADVANI: The Loh Purush has just indicated an unusual aptitude for unceasing lateral movement (although his future, one would have thought, required vertical mobility more). If he were younger, I would have suggested that he consider a career burning rubber on Formula I race tracks. But taking his advanced age into consideration, I would advise him to opt for the Tours & Travels business. His experience of having traversed every inch of this country would make him a marvellous tour operator.SONIA GANDHI: Her Hindi is improving by the mile, but she may still find Rae Bareli rejecting her. Should that happen, she must waste no time and join Ektaa Kapoor’s sindoor circus. A stint as the mangalsutra jingling, breast beating, glycerine shedding Tulsi could do wonders for her political profile and her image as the archetypal Indian bahu. She could then come back into politics on a huge wave if she plays her role, and her cards, right. Kyunki bahu bhi kabhi neta hogi.NAVEEN PATNAIK: No question about it. He should spend the next five years learning Oriya.GARAM DHARAM: His rather complicated matrimonial affairs would need all his attention—and it could well take a lifetime to sort out, seeing the present levels of Hema Malini’s indignation.LALOO PRASAD YADAV: Should take over the kitchen at 1, Anne Marg. Rabri’s old job is still awaiting a replacement. His supporters can then chant with even more conviction that old line: Jab tak samose main alu hai/tab tak Bihar mein Laloo hai, even as their Hero 1 serves up piping hot samosas by the plateful.MULAYAM SINGH YADAV: Could team up with Chandrababu Naidu and set up a flourishing business in cycle spare parts. And, who knows, an SP pedal or a TDP saddle may still be required to keep the government in New Delhi moving.ANANTH KUMAR: As Union minister of urban affairs, he displayed all the instincts of a budding real-estate agent. He could develop this as a full-time vocation should Bangalore reject him.RAJIV PRATAP RUDY: He must invest all that goodwill he earned as minister of civil aviation (it is amazing how civil to a minister, aviation can be) carefully. It will help him fly back to power.JAGMOHAN: Who believes that Old Age is always 20 years older than he is, must spend the rest of his life building a Delhi of his dreams—in his dreams.Space, alas, has run out on me. However, should any neta whose name doesn’t figure in this column require my personalised advice, he/she is free to contact me. At no extra cost.
