Ranbir Kapoor on therapy feeling like learning to ‘manipulate life’: How can people with avoidant attachment benefit from therapy?

Indianexpress.com spoke to counselling psychologist Priyamvada Tendulkar to understand how such people can navigate getting professional help.

Tendulkar shared that the term used clinically to describe such people is “avoidant attachment” but it’s come to be used a bit as a shutdown or a misnomer, and is used pejoratively nowadays.

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“People who have avoidant attachment are generally blamed for relationships not working. The core issue with avoidant attachment people is that in moments of stress or conflict, their nervous system goes into freeze mode and shuts down completely. They do not “choose to avoid” as the name might suggest,” explained Tendulkar.

“Since they feel flooded or frozen, they themselves cannot even communicate what their needs are, let alone understand and meet the other partner’s need,” she added.

According to her, an avoidant attachment’s primary need is space, and their primary fear is enmeshment and engulfment in relationships.

In avoidant attachment people, the need for space or individuality is high. (Source: Freepik)

She explained that there are two main forces in humans that show up in relationships.

“The force of attachment, which brings us closer and makes us prioritize another. If this becomes excessive, people lose individuality, which is the biggest fear for an avoidant attachment, as there is no breathing room and they feel suffocated,” she said.

“And the other is the force of individuality, which makes us grow in our individual path, and if this becomes excessive, people will prioritize only themselves and never prioritize another, which again begins threatening the relationship. As human beings, we need to balance both,” she added.

“In avoidant attachment people, the need for space or individuality is so high, that they are claustrophobic, and their fight-or-flight will take over the second they feel crowded or get pushed to give up their individuality. And this is where the “manipulation” part comes in,” shared Tendulkar.

She explained that such people feel (somewhat rightly) that their avoidant attachment will not be understood and they will be forced to become more open than they wish to be.