Gen Z has added a new dating term to their dictionary: Chameleoning

Dr Sneha Sharma, psychiatrist and co-founder, Anvaya Healthcare mentions, “Some individuals mould their personalities according to their partner’s expectations and preferences, and this is often referred to as ‘chameleoning’ or changing colours to blend into the relationship. While compromising and adapting to your partner’s preferences and needs can be helpful in building relationships, it can become problematic if it’s at the expense of one person’s authentic self.”

Psychological factors behind chameleoning

There are several factors behind this behaviour, according to Dr Sharma. These are:

–Strong need for external validation and approval can drive individuals to mould themselves to fit in their partners’ ideal version.

-⁠Fear of rejection also leads individuals to hide their true feelings and preferences. They feel that they will only be liked and accepted if they fall within their partners ideas of them.

-Low self esteem and poor sense of self can lead to negative views of self. A partner might not feel worthy of love and affection and hence hide their true self.

-Some individuals prefer avoiding conflict in a relationship. They either feel incompetent to put across their values and priorities or feel that their voices and concerns will not be heard and addressed correctly. Some individuals also see a relationship without conflict as an ideal relationship and strive to fit in that.

Open communication will lead to both partners communicating their point of views and arriving at consensus or agreeing to disagree. (Source: Freepik)

Impact of chameleoning on relationships 

Dr Sharma says, “While chameleon might initially help in creating a bond and reducing conflict it can have detrimental consequences in the long run, both individually and for the relationship.”

The person who is constantly trying to fit in will develop a growing sense of resentment and frustration which will lead to dissatisfaction in the relationship. Lack of authenticity will lead to lack of connection between partners leading to fractures in the relationship. 

Additionally, increasing distance as both partners cannot connect and don’t feel understood or seen.

Difference between adapting to a partner’s preferences and losing one’s sense of self in the process

“Adapting is healthy behaviour which involves mutual understanding and respect and hence leading to behaviour change which resonates with both partners. This strengthens the values and identity of both individuals and the relationship,” explains Dr Sharma. 

Losing a sense of self means a person suppresses their own authentic identity, feelings, values and preferences and hence can no longer recognise or relate to themselves. 

Advice for someone who feels they are ‘chameleoning’ in their relationship

Here’s what Dr Sharma says you should do:

1. Regular introspection about your own feelings and values can allow you to be aware when you feel inauthentic.

2. Open communication will lead to both partners communicating their point of views and arriving at consensus or agreeing to disagree.

3. ⁠Boundaries need to be established to protect your own interests and feelings while still being supportive and considerate of your partners needs.

4. Consider talking to a counsellor or psychotherapist if you struggle with expressing yourself in a healthy manner. Work on self esteem issues and together in a relationship, if necessary.