Feeling like you’re not your partner’s first choice? 9 signs they are ‘cookie-jarring’ you

Ishmat Mahmood, counselling psychologist at Lissun, emphasised that due to its potential to result in emotional dishonesty and even cheating on the primary partner, this behaviour can be viewed as unethical and harmful.

Mahmood also attributed the psychology behind it to a desire for novelty and a lack of empathy. (Source: Freepik)

Cookie jarring is anxiety provoking in its design and Pallavi Barnwal, intimacy coach and founder of GetIntimacy, a sexual wellness startup, argues that the perpetrator here is falling back on a survival strategy rather than making a conscious decision.

“Cookie jarring is the behaviour of someone with an anxious or avoidant attachment style. Anxiety can be around whether this person will be around for a long run or not and thus let me not get attached too much and avoidance in the sense “in the past I have been rejected, turned down” and thus I am not going to attach again,” she explained.

Mahmood also attributed the psychology behind it to a desire for novelty and a lack of empathy.

It can be difficult to tell if you’ve been the target of cookie jarring because it frequently involves subtle and emotional manipulation. People are not templates, each person is unique and so there are no standard rules that apply to all, said Barnwal.

She recommended asking yourself: “How would my dating behavior look like if I operated from an unshakable belief in my self-worth?”

Here are some other ways to tell you are not the first priority of your partner.

9 signs your partner is cookie jarring you

1. 01

   Inconsistent behaviour

   Your partner always maintains a certain emotional distance and seems unwilling to totally commit to the relationship. They leave you or withdraw without a good cause, frequently without letting you know where they are or what they are planning.

2. 02

   Secretive about their social life

   They are secretive about their social life, especially when it comes to other potential romantic interests or people they may be seeing on the side.

3. 03

   Don't value quality time with you

   They might even value their social life or time spent with others more than spending quality time with you.

4. 04

   Reluctance to define the connection

   If the person is hesitant to define the relationship or make future plans together, it may suggest a lack of commitment or a refusal to completely invest in the relationship.

5. 05

   Flirting with others

   Your partner is openly or covertly flirting with or displaying romantic interest in other people, even when the two of you are together.

6. 06

   Excuse and justification

   When challenged about their disloyalty, your partner typically offers excuses for their behaviour or tries to defend their choices.

7. 07

   Unreliable communication

   Your partner can ignore your calls or texts for a long time without providing a valid reason. If the individual avoids discussing key topics, concerns, or conflicts in the relationship and does not participate in open, honest conversation, this may indicate emotional unavailability.

8. 08

   Prior relationship patterns

   People's prior relationship patterns can sometimes predict their future behaviour. Be wary if they have a history of adultery, cheating, or repeated short-term relationships.

9. 09

   Ignoring your boundaries

   If they constantly disregard your boundaries and make you feel uncomfortable in the relationship, this is a warning sign of emotional manipulation.

Both Mahmood and Barnwal recommend trusting your instinct. “Take it seriously if something doesn’t feel right or you have a gut feeling that the person isn’t being honest or truly devoted,” said Mahmood.

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