When you see a baby crying, what’s your first instinct? To pick the baby up and soothe them? Or to let them cry till they learn to soothe themselves? Essentially how we behave as adults in our respective relationships to quite some extent depends on what sort of attachment bond we create as teenagers with our caregivers. Attachment refers to the bond of emotional and physical closeness the baby shares with their caregivers who in turn provide the teenager with a safe nurturing environment. There are different strategies and styles of attachment however the most famous and significant one is the secure attachment style. Attachment theory has its roots in the work of an English psychiatrist John Bowlby who in 1930 worked with children experiencing emotional difficulties. He noticed that when children were deprived of affection safe space or a warm caregiver they often felt tormented and troubled. As per the theory, babies then form small hierarchies of attachment which allows the teenager to learn relevant emotional information. Hereafter Mary Ainsworth another psychologist joined in the pursuit of discovering how children respond to separation and reunion with their caregiver. She observed that when babies are securely attached they often exhibit appropriate distress on separation and are easily comforted and resume play once the caregiver returns. Neurobiologically speaking the areas of the brain that process emotional and social information which are associated with the limbic system learn these patterns and exhibit them in later stages of life as well. Now one might ask why is early attachment so important. It is essential because it acts as an internal working model or in simpler terms as a blueprint for subsequent generations and relationships. For example, a baby whose crying results in prompt response will learn that certain behaviors are linked with the positive emotions and behaviors of the caregiver and instill the feeling of being loved. Now imagine you don’t pick the baby up and let it cry. A response that is cold and unavailable will lead to the internal working model believing that the caregiver is rejecting and the baby is not worthy of care. Such experiences will create uncertainty and confusion about their world. How do we foster secure attachment styles as parents? Some of the ways you can instill security is by communicating with your child that he or she is important to you and that you value their presence in your life. Appreciating - Appreciate your child using specific language will allow them to develop a growth mindset Create a self-reflective capacity - If a teenager throws tantrums you can use statements like “I see you need help with managing your anger”. It would create a non-blaming environment and allow your child to introspect about the situation. Connect with them - instead of assuming your child will come to you, take the initiative on some days to simply reconnect with them. Remember at any point you feel lost and need a direction, don’t hesitate to reach out to a psychologist.
