Does your child lie? Here’s how you can deal with it

Here is the good news: from a developmental standpoint, lying in young children is rarely a reason to worry. If anything, it goes to show that the child has developed the awareness that different people have different feelings and beliefs. Now that certainly is not a cause of concern. While lying per se is not acceptable, it is a sign of sorts that the child’s cognitive skills are fast developing.

Of course if the child grows up and continues to tell believable lies as also maintain the lie over time, it may call for some action on your part.

Why do kids lie?

Other than the fact that, in young children, lying is actually a sign of cognitive development, as children grow up they are known to lie for various reasons; to get something they want being the most common. However, there could also be some other less obvious reasons for them to lie. Some of them include:

To gain approval

Ever so often, lying is a used as a means to gain approval and enhance self-esteem.

To take attention off themselves

Sometimes, lying can also be an attempt to deflect attention. So a child with a health issue may say he feels fine just so that the attention (negative, in his mind) is deflected.

White lies

These, of course, may just be so that no one’s feelings are hurt. Ever so often, they may observe an adult telling a white lie and sure enough it becomes a part of the child’s repertoire.

Impulsiveness

At times, the lying can also be on account of impulsivity, of not thinking before they speak.

Lying is a sign of cognitive development. (Source: Getty Images)

Young children can often also blend real life and imagination. It is, therefore, important to determine the real nature of the lie. Here are some things you can do to support the child in his or her journey of speaking the truth:

Ensure the punishments aren’t excessive

Labelling the child as a liar and meting out excessive punishments often have less than the desired effect and go a long way into turning children into effective liars.

Have an open dialogue

What is of utmost importance is the ability to have an open dialogue with the children, where you discuss scenarios of how lying can be harmful. Using day-to-day coachable moments can go a long way in instilling a sense of right and wrong in children. Reading out stories to the child that extoll the virtue of truth and how lies can be harmful can also subliminally pass the right message to the child, without being preachy.

Encourage imagination without lying

This may sound tricky, but can be achieved with a little thought. If the child tells you a story that’s hard to believe, you could instead turn around and say how imaginative that is and can turn into a book, thereby channelising their creative energies.

Be mindful of your own responses

Walking into a room where the child has obviously dropped something and asking the child if she or she has dropped it, is often the cue for the child to say no. Instead acknowledging it as an accident and seeking the child’s help to clear it up may work far better.

Offer acknowledgement

In instances when the child owns up to doing something, instead of shouting at the child for a job badly done, it will work far better to acknowledge his honesty at owning up first. This will give the much-needed confidence to the child to speak the truth.

All this is not to say that in case the child is older and is found lying frequently, there should not be consequences. However, ensure that the consequences are commensurate to the lie and that you do not brand the child as a liar. The thumb rule to follow in meting out a punishment needs to be that it gives the child a chance to get back to practicing improved behaviour. For example, if an older child has lied to you about not having got any homework and you find out that there was in fact a lot of it, you need to address the issue with the child and let him face the consequence of finishing all of it.

Some amount of mindfulness on the part of both parents and teachers can go a long way in ensuring that harmless lying does not go on to become a habit that negatively affects the child. Of course if the lying is dogged and is coming in the way of effective functioning, it is worth seeing a mental health practitioner.

(The writer is VP-Curriculum, Footprints Childcare.)