Opinion Ask women what they want. We need horizon to spread our wings

In the week leading up to Women’s Day, one gets messages from beauty parlors, and different brands offering special discounts. I have always been troubled by this celebration of vanity in the name of Women’s Day. Women are already suffering enough from market-generated insecurities of being a little too dark, a little too pale, a little too heavy, or a little too thin. This “little too” is already burdensome. Why put a little more pressure with these beauty coupons? Maybe we need a coupon to make us more comfortable with our own skin.

Notably, the celebration of Women’s Day is a very urban-centric phenomenon. Amidst the discounts, some of us also attend panel discussions, and wax eloquent about notions of empowerment, sisterhood, and our achievements. Yet, in these conversations, women from the margins remain conspicuously absent. Our celebrations are seldom extended to an Adivasi woman who is struggling to fight against the practice of witchcraft in Jharkhand, or a Dalit woman who is fighting multifaceted violation.

Women are burdened with unrealistic expectations of being super humans. We are not, even though our social deification wants us to be. Like any other human being, we are tired of juggling the roles of breadwinner, caregiver, partner, and many more. Our struggle to navigate social expectations and our own aspirations — something that is usually sacrificed to maintain “harmony” in the patriarchal order — is unending. We want women to be perfect in every role, but do we ever ask them if they want it? Do we give women the agency to decide on whether they want to be a domestic goddess as well as excel at work and play? And if women want to “have it all”, have we given them equal opportunities and access?

The saga of “having it all” starts with a young girl learning to cook, building her resilience to bear pain whether its menstrual or emotional abuse, carrying the honour of the family on her little shoulders, studying to be employable so that, if need be, she can support her family financially. Their growing up comes with the pressure to get married. After marriage, comes the expectation of being a good wife, followed by the burden to be a dutiful daughter-in-law, a good mother. In this endless saga of being a perfect woman, we get lost and are left grappling with anxiety and self-doubt.

It is time for men to be empowered: Learn as young boys to balance between household chores and professional life. They need to be taught to see themselves both as a breadwinner and a caregiver.

With the narrative of “having it all” we are selling an unattainable ideal for women by ignoring the systemic barriers women face in achieving intellectual and creative fulfilment due to domestic responsibilities. This gnawing sense of duty and the burden our womanhood places on us define our female solidarity.

As a young girl, I was always told that the sky’s the limit. But the horizon was defined by patriarchal forces. We were expected to open our wings in a limited corner. But we need the horizon to spread our wings.

The writer is assistant professor of Sociology, Lakshmibai College, Delhi University