A year ago, when Manmohan Singh was to become PM, the stock market had a nervous breakdown. It lost control of its sensex, not because Mr Singh was to assume of office, but on account of the Communists — those lefties were not making the right noises about liberalization, disinvestment, etc. The news channels went schizophrenic, veering between shock at the share bazaar’s manic depression and awe at Sonia Gandhi’s ‘‘tyag’’.At the time, we were bemused by these reactions. That’s because we are not one of the three crore odd bullish people. We treat the stock market like a figment of someone’s imagination — you buy and own a piece of Reliance but you have nothing to show for it, not even a drop of refined oil. However, the cognoscenti know the Sensex is a living creature, moody, unpredictable. Sometimes it’s up and sometimes down. It is this whimsicality that obsesses people. Anchors on CNBC-TV 18 and NDTV Profit — the two main business news channels - recognise this and treat the ‘thing’ as human.Like Black Monday a year ago, there are days when they find the market in mental turmoil: ‘‘It is not a frenzied market but TCS is disturbed.’’‘‘There is panic, fear in the market deceived by yesterday’s transactions.’’ ‘‘The markets are rattled. not jumping with joy.’’Other times, it displays physical symptoms: ‘‘The Index could be under pressure.’’ ‘‘The construction companies are recovering well.’’‘‘Our markets are robust enough.’’ ‘‘They’re running out of breath.’’On at least one occasion, the channels had to issue a health alert:‘‘Someone is overweight on technology. it’s time to go underweight.’’Does that mean someone should be dieting?When Q1, Q2, Q3 or Q4 results are announced, things can turn violent:‘‘TCS is taking a whack. the triggers up. there’s a bounce back, no further carnage now.’’ ‘‘Gujarat something-or-other is taking a bit of pounding. Coking prices are feeling the pinch. the midcaps have gone too aggressive.’’Oh dear, hope nobody gets hurt.The market can be ‘‘flat’’, ‘‘taking a tumble’’ or ‘‘a significant roll over’’. It ‘‘holds up’’, it ‘‘moves’’, or ‘‘surges’’; on a particular day the ‘‘bottom fishing’’ is good, the next its ‘‘top line growth’’, is low.Often, anchors are preoccupied with appearances:‘‘Sugar is looking good’’ (shouldn’t that be ‘sweet’?).‘‘ Aptech is looking strong’’ (like Arnie Governor of California?). ‘‘NTPC is looking very grim’’. ‘‘Steel looking calm.’’Once in a while, shares ‘‘buzz’’ and you know you’re going mad.What does it all mean?It means that the stock exchange, the business channels and the investors belong to a secret cabal where they speak a language only they understand and observe certain codes of conduct only they know. CNBC or NDTV Profit are strictly for those who know how to ‘‘profit from it’’. To those outside the fold it’s gibberish.The initiated live, breathe stocks and shares from morning to 4 pm (when the Sensex closes), receiving expert advice on whether to buy, sell, hold in the short term, sell midcaps in the midterm and shift to techno in the long term depending on profitability, purchasability, the state of the decline ratio, business rate of growth, the inventory build up and the F&O movement reflecting what the street expects of the FIOG level in light of the discounting ratios you can take a fundamentalist view of your stocks in a bullish market disassociated from economic values. upside, downside and in my lady’s chamber. Take it away, Amit!B’gosh: they speak rapid like a Shatbadi Express (think what it must all sound like on Zee’s Hindi business channel!), figures jackknife before you, graphics change faster than the figures.Since we understand nothing we can’t judge whether or not the advice is correct or even profitable. However, we do think stock-brokers, investment specialists and company executives never had it better: the boring banker has become sexy and much sought after. We also believe there must be more to business than these channels make out.
