Wheres My Daddy?

An international school in Pune had a stranger request to entertain. A couple,who had two teenagers studying there,asked that each child be sent home alternately on holidays,as they would be unable to handle both together. We had to agree.What else could we do? says a school official. A teacher from a Bangalore school,who did not wish to be named,tells us of a 15-year-old who went back home to his parents in the Gulf for the summer holidays. But he kept calling us,asking if he could come back before the holidays ended. He asked us to tell his parents that he had to return to finish an incomplete project. He realised his parents had no time for him.

Parenting is a minefield for most working professionals today your office demands longer hours,though your children are home alone. You can’t give up on a social life,and lose at the networking game. New-age schools,which have sprouted all over the country,boasting of designer uniforms,plush dormitories and syllabuses of international standard,seem to have the answers.

But lurking in their airconditioned corridors are stories of lonely children,who have every comfort,bar attention and time from their parents. Children who have not been taught how to tie their shoe-laces,or are not helped through a difficult day with a hug or a phone call.

There is no denying that we often have to deal with cases where children experience a strange disconnect with their families,or are simply neglected, says Amit Rastogi,coordinator at the Sharad Pawar International School in Pune,who oversees the International Baccalaureate programme at the institute.

The school is one of the most luxurious international schools in the country. Its facilities include dormitories shared by three students,labs that have showers outside them to wash off chemicals,a school anthem composed by Shaan,uniforms designed by Shaina NC,and golf carts that take parents around the sprawling premises. Children of bureaucrats,NRIs,IT professionals and film and television stars study here. Most of the students who come here are from very affluent families. But what they do not seem to have is time for their children, says Rastogi. As a result,we find many children are demotivated and drift about aimlessly. Its a huge challenge to perk them up,and motivate them in their studies and extra-curricular activities. We have to constantly train our staff to do so, says Rastogi. Almost all teachers in the school are expected to counsel students,though a regular counsellor comes in thrice a week.

But to be fair,havent children always gone through bouts of loneliness and homesickness in boarding schools? Thakur says there is something disturbingly different about the current crop. For one,the number of cases is much more. And its not just children from broken homes who face emotional issues. The cases we get are mainly of those from affluent families,who seem to be turning all new-age parenting theories on their heads, he says.

In Pune,which has the highest number of international boarding schools in the country,stories of such neglect abound. Yajoti Singh,a child counsellor attached to several schools in the city,is brutal in her diagnosis. At least 50 per cent of children in the new,international boarding schools have parents who have no time for them,given their high-flying lives. And that is why they send them there, she says. Of course,the other half are hands-on parents,who follow their child’s progress with concern and care.

Busy parents and their exacting schedules are common in urban India,and so this is not a phenomenon restricted to boarding schools. A teacher in a plush Mumbai day school relates an instance of how a Class X student was found drunk during lunch break,with a bottle of Bacardi in her bag. When her parents were informed,they sent the driver to pick up the girl and get her home.

A teacher with a reputed day school in Pune recounts how when she asked a Class III student to tie his shoe laces properly,he put his feet up on the desk. When I told him to behave himself,he said he did not know how to tie them. It was his maid who did it for him every day. She says she has seen students from well-to-do families turn up in crumpled uniforms,shirts with buttons missing for days on end,and torn bags. All these are unmistakable giveaways of neglect, she says.

For several parents,international schools have become the best package they can offer their children they are posh,well-equipped,and have the right set of children. What complicates matters is that the school and the teachers dont seem to be able to exercise enough authority. The monthly pocket money of some of the senior students is around Rs 30,000,higher than my salary, says a teacher at an international school in Pune. We are given strict instructions not to shout at the students. Or be demanding of parents, she says. When children and their parents are treated more like clients,they need to be kowtowed to,she says. I feel the reasons for sending children to a boarding school are changing. Earlier,it was to give them quality education. Now,its more often because parents are too busy to give them attention, she says. So,even if the parents are out of line,they are hardly pulled up.

Which is why Riverdale,a residential school between Mumbai and Pune,has started an initiative called The Mentoring Programme to offer emotional and academic support to students who may need it. Principal Payam Shoghi admits that the emotional disconnect between parents and children is on the rise but she says it exists by default and not by desire. Its not that the parents want it to happen. In fact,I have observed that despite being busy with their professional lives,many of them are very responsive when it comes to PTAs or matters that concern their child. But the world is changing so rapidly and has become so technology-driven that the gap is widening day by day. Also,lets not rule out the fact that parents have their compulsions too, she says.

Like it was in the case of Mumbai-based Corina Rebello and her husband,both IT professionals,who found it difficult to take care of their 10-year-old son,when they moved from a joint family to a nuclear one. The idea of leaving the job and being at home was an option we could not afford,not in Mumbai at least. Though it was an extremely difficult decision for us,we decided to put Keegan in a boarding school, says Corina. Keegan,who has now spent three years in a boarding school,admits that the first two years were very difficult. Every time my parents would call or visit the school,I would cry a lot and so would they. But now,since I have got used to the school,the crying sessions are rare. Whenever I miss my parents,I engage in some activity or I chat with my friends, he says.

Other parents argue that the teachers,too,need to adapt to the new realities. My wife has a hectic media job with Balaji Telefilms in Mumbai that requires her to be away from home for long hours, says Rahul Karna,income tax commissioner of Kolhapur,whose only child is a student at an international school. We took a conscious decision to send him to a boarding school as there was more likelihood of him being lonely here at home. And its worked out very well. Hes very happy in his school and goes to his mom in Mumbai every weekend, says Karna.

Parents are keen to give their children the best of education by enrolling them in international schools,but it often compels them to work harder to be able to afford to do so,and so they often dont have time for them,says a counsellor.

Counsellor Yajoti Singh tells us about an IT couple in Pune,who chose not to send their son to a residential school despite their busy lives. When he turned 12,he slipped into clinical depression because of the intense loneliness at home. Or,what do you say to this TV actress who was so stricken by guilt after her divorce that she tried to make up to her daughter by sending her to the best and most expensive boarding school? She now has to work twice as hard to be able to afford it,and has less and less time for her child.

There are no easy answers or perfect trade-offs. But,always,a child waiting for daddy to take him home.