One never knows how peace breaks out, or rather how peace talks break out, on the subcontinent. It is as mysterious a phenomenon as the monsoon which, I am told, depends on 17 parameters, including snowfall in the Himalaya, the El Nino in the Pacific, hot currents in the Indian Ocean and so on. But that’s another story. Indo-Pak peace is a far more complex occurrence, dependent on at least 27 imponderables, including the state of Vajpayee’s poetry, the health of Musharraf’s liver, the BJP’s electoral fortunes, the Congress’s electoral misfortunes, the MMM’s energy levels, the PPP’s synergy levels, and the like. But of course none of these factors really matter as much as the cattle prods that the cowboys in Washington apply on our backsides to get things moving. Then, voila!, all 1.4 billion of us start talking non-stop about talkingabouttalkingabouttalkingabout peace.A few months later, the show packs up just as abruptly. The drummers go home, the welcoming garlands make it to the garbage heap, external affairs spokespersons in both Islamabad and Delhi clear their throats and pour invective on each other on a daily basis, the hawks in the security community flap their wings on television, Richard Disarmitage decides to pump iron somewhere else, and the only talking that gets done are by the guns along the border weilded by two armies in eyeball-to-eyeball confrontation.In other words, life goes back to normal. I suspect that this elaborate peace building exercise is conducted for the sole purpose of building up credible reserves for the elaborate war building exercise to follow. I mean, you would need to start the Attari Express, the Lahore bus, allow landing rights and shore up your diplomatic presence, if you want something substantial to roll back when times get hostile, wouldn’t you?All this may sound cynical but don’t get me wrong. I am as interested in peace as the next person. That’s why I have spent time studying the recent history of subcontinental peacetalking to evolve this comprehensive list of do’s and don’ts for peace makers.One, bus rides are an absolute no-no. The sight of leaders making it past the Wagah border like bridgegrooms and falling into each other’s arms, accompanied by the sounds of drums and saxophones, makes great TV but doesn’t help bury hatchets.Two, there must be no state banquets to celebrate the imminent prospect of peace. I find that the rich food served on these occasions, the reshmi kebab, the mughlai chicken and the malai kofta, followed by rasmalai, baked alaska, and the like, have a tendency to cause widespread indigestion, not to speak of an excess of flatulence. Therefore we could do without this excessive gorging. History tells us that peace negotiations based on the temporary relief of Gelusil, can never succeed. It follows from this that televised breakfast encounters where florentine eggs are served to senior editors, only to have them wear egg all over their faces the next morning, are also banned. In any case, the breakfast is one meal that has destroyed more marriages than the world would care to record.Three, no Urdu poetry, puhleeze. I notice that poetry is very big on such occasions, with everybody behaving as if Indo-Pak talks are really one enormous mushaira. So busy are the interlocutors regurgitating Faiz and Azmi, that they forget to address themselves to the issues at hand.So here are my suggestions on how Indo-Pak talks should be conducted if they are to succeed. Ideally, they should take place at the most remote point on the Siachen Glacier, with oatmeal porridge as the preferred source of nutrition being served to the negotiators three times a day. And, yes, the talkers should walk the talk by hitchhiking their way to the venue. Under such conditions, peace is guaranteed to descend—urgently and permanently— over a corner of the globe designated as the world’s most dangerous place.
