NEW DELHI, February 12: Even that fossil of a mouthwash, Listerine, is cashing in on performance anxiety this Valentine's. After all, a halitosis-induced swoon, when you lean forward to kiss your sweetheart tenderly, is not your idea of a perfect Valentine (and we'd been waiting for Listerine to tell us that).If you're completely clueless about what makes the perfect Valentine's, suffer no more. In the huge marketplace of love, bang outside your door, there's a surfeit of rosy options gift schemes, movie-and-dinner packages, one-night-sojourns, shopping sprees, love potions, red tattoos and more. The word `sweetheart' gets a fresh coat of paint, Mirinda goes overboard with its schemes, and 10-year-olds air love messages, courtesy Dialnet.Trouble is, the romantic rampage might intimidate you just a little bit. So if you want to feel your way through what's on offer tomorrow, read the papers, watch some TV and take a walk down your friendly neighbourhood market. (Be warned, though, of wilting red roses and ugly plasticky hearts that are bound to accost you on your inspired V-day tour).Of course, you might still be recovering from last night's pre-Valentine's bash, where your red nailpolish and Bloody Mary talked more than you did. In which case, head right back to bed and stay put till transformation-time (that's sometime after twilight and before midnight, when the shadows beneath your eyes disappear under luminous, skilfully-applied war paint).If you're a day person, try a bit of bowling - bowl your sweetheart over - or some go-karting, perhaps, and top it off with a heart-shaped pepperoni pizza from Pizza Hut. And yes, the movies! See how Hollywood does the love thing (no, not the sop and mush of Titanic), with You've Got Mail, or Six Days Seven Nights.And if you're a super-hip neophyte, get connected to love on the Internet. Design a virtual rose, send an E-card, seek out a new soulmate on Talkcity. VSNL, of course, will disconnect you with alarming regularity, so if you like fast (read uninterrupted) love, stay away from cyberspace. Instead, switch your television on and get a wild dose of love on the National Geographic channel, where penguins share a quiet sunset moment or lions play a tame dating game.Better (or worse) still, take to the streets with your shopping armour. Valentine's is as good a time as any to invest in yourself and your beloved/s; pick up pretty (albeit expensive) jewelled heart from Gili, or Tanishq. Or grab someone, barge into any Original Levi's Store and fill up a `love-quotient' form. If you get lucky, there's two whole minutes of free shopping, otherwise, you might want to shell out some moolah for their special edition Valentine's Day tees (for women) and tattoos.While you're at it, remember to stroll into Archies Gallery or Hallmark. You can spend two sugar-dripping hours looking at lovey-dovey messages ensconsed within rose-and-ribbon motifs, to the strains of rehashed, remixed and repackaged love ballads. And do take note of the obscene shortage of red envelopes (originality isn't red, it's rare).Romance travels at a frantic pace, so if Valentine's day is already into its evening and you're still a clueless wonder, pick up the newspaper. There's a flood of dinner options on offer across the city's restaurants, and, if your system agrees to marketed mush, dinner can still be a romantic affair. Carry your dancing shoes to Djinns, the Hyatt hot-spot (or anywhere else you fancy), where you can tuck into a buffet dinner and wine, and even win some YSL perfume. Don't go hunting for a quiet din-din; the only way to do that is to whip up some love potions at home.All this, of course, assumes you have a Valentine to behold and festoon. But the best part is, you can celebrate February 14th even without one. Succumb to the mad, red hardsell of love, let the market woo you and serenade our senses. Indulge in that box of Flury's pastries you've been so good about, gift yourself a heart-motifed Parker pen, be your own Valentine. Come to think of it, what's love got to do with it, anyway?
