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Journalism of Courage
Between double incomes, individual space and career goals, the laws of marriage are changing. More and more urban couples are now friends first, spouses later. and explain why
ONLY the opening sequence looks familiar 8212; a decked-up bride and groom, a priest, some chanting, many vows, many rituals. Beyond that, everything seems to have changed. More and more urban couples are charting new territory when it comes to marriage to arrive at that winning combination 8212; how to be together and yet remain single.
For those of you who haven8217;t been paying attention, they now are calling it 8216;being friends forever8217;. Marriage is no longer about compromise and adjustments; self-sufficiency and individuality are more likely aspirations.
8216;8216;We could not have done it any other way,8217;8217; says Delhi-based event manager Neeta Raheja. She is referring to her marriage with Adishwar Puri when they were in their mid-30s, by which time both were running successful businesses. 8216;8216;We were set professionally and as people, and realised that the only way we could work things out was by respecting each other8217;s individuality,8217;8217; she adds.
Former VJ Maria Goretti8217;s marriage with Arshad Warsi falls into a similar slot. 8216;8216;Marriage should not change you, it should enhance you. We believe in the institution of marriage but not in the inhibitions that follow,8217;8217; says Goretti. Considering their busy schedules, a conventional marriage does not even seem an option.
Marriage is no longer the fulcrum around which couples operate. Both instead amicably agree to prioritise their careers and natal families. Mumbai-based Jaya Lalwani, for example, married Harsh a year ago and lives with his parents. But she has made it clear to her husband that her role on the domestic front would be minimal, as she had to look after her own father. 8216;8216;My parents are divorced and I do not have any siblings. I have always run my father8217;s home and marriage does not change that. My husband looks after his parents and I look after mine,8217;8217; she says.
Actor Rahul Vohra and line producer Annie Matthews have been married for 10 years now. Three years ago, Vohra moved to Mumbai, while Matthews stayed behind in New Delhi. 8216;8216;Annie did not want to move, so she didn8217;t,8217;8217; says Vohra nonchalantly. 8216;8216;Now we patriotically keep Indian Airlines and MTNL busy, shuttling up and down,8217;8217; he adds.
But as sociologist Susan Vishwanathan points out, 8216;8216;Separation has always been part of marriage, for example the Gulf wives of Kerala or even the army couples. Only the forms of bonding that organise them differ.8217;8217; In case of these urban couples, e-mails, mobiles, weekend visits, together holidays and the idea of romantic love as an end, in itself, have made distance a minor negotiable detail.
So are we witnessing a radical rethink of marriage, where couples negotiate the relationship only on their own terms or a disguised conformism where no one is ready to tax the relationship even the slightest bit? 8216;8216;It is difficult to pass judgement. We tend to use the norms of the nuclear family of the earlier generation 8212; with its neat division of labour created to support the factory mode 8212; to understand the ephemeral quality of the household in today8217;s culture, where workspace has become totalitarian. But the latter is a completely new scenario,8217;8217; says Vishwanathan.
The new scenario is linked to the blurring of roles with both sexes working and earning and asserting the importance of personal space, while the earlier, hierarchy-based notion of family is now seen as problematic.
8216;8216;Role-playing does not work with us, since we are both very strong-minded people. Our relationship is about complete freedom,8217;8217; says model Nethra Raghuraman of her marriage with comedian Ash Chandler. Jayshree Sundar, an editor with advertising agency Lowe, sheds light on the demands of corporate culture, when she jokes, 8216;8216;In our house we are like two men setting off for 12-hour workdays. I only regret that I do not have a wife to pack my suitcase for business trips.8217;8217;
Even interior designers and architects are privy to this changing equation between the couple. 8216;8216;Even as homes become smaller and the traditional divisions of the house disintegrate, clearly demarcated spaces for men and women are replacing them. Entertainment, play and work are being separately defined by each partner,8217;8217; says architect Gautam Bhatia.
8216;8216;There is a big demand for 8216;his8217; and 8216;her8217; bathrooms and dressing areas, considering everyone is in a rush in the morning. The kitchen has become a unisex, gadget-heavy space that minimises time. I get clients who want separate bedrooms because one wants the night-light or the television on and the other doesn8217;t. When it comes to the bedroom, work area and bathroom each wants his own way. They are willing to input together on the rest of the house,8217;8217; says interior designer Payal Kapoor.
Of course, monogamy is one of the unwritten rules of this arrangement. 8216;8216;Fidelity is not about the type of marriage you are in, it is the kind of person you are,8217;8217; emphasises Rahul Vohra. But even with all the safety checks neatly in place, what kind of pressures do these 8216;buddy marriages8217; suffer?
Nasrin Rustomfram, a social work educator at the Tata Institute of Social Sciences, favours individuals retaining their personalities within marriage provided there is a healthy balance. 8216;8216;Marriage is an institution that throws people so close together that it is not always comfortable. Some adjustments are necessary,8217;8217; she says.
8216;8216;I remember as a child whenever my father would come home, my mother would be this comforting calm presence waiting to give him tea. I wonder what that would be like. Most of the time, one comes home to oneself,8217;8217; says Jayshree Sundar, almost wistfully. So these marriages are laying emphasis on here and now, dislodging the idea of deeply entrenched roles and permanence to create a freer, more liberated relationship. But have they exchanged the permanence for a whole set of new problems? Let8217;s wait and watch.
