The Bush Doctrine for a Delhi visit

As the Bush Administration limbers up for its subcontinental odyssey, US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice puts President George Bush thro...

As the Bush Administration limbers up for its subcontinental odyssey, US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice puts President George Bush through his India-Pakistan paces. She has before her a large sheaf of notes and a small overhead projector with maps and graphics. She has been at the job for the last two hours, but is battling on doggedly…

Condi (brightly): So, Mr President, can you now tell me where Pakistan and India are?

George: Gee, sure, Condi. Pakistan is next to our base in Kabul and India is kinda next door to the Sargodha airforce base in Lahore. China is kinda on the other side, I can never forget my China visit, and that guy…Who?

Story continues below this ad

Condi: Hu, Mr President, Hu. Now, to continue. Islamabad is the capital of Pakistan, and Delhi is the capital of India.

George: Deli? Sounds like fun. I love delis, especially those run by Koreans. They make an awesome cole slaw! Ha, ha, Condi, only jokin’! Tell me about this Indian Deli.

Condi (consulting her notes): Population: 15 million. Languages spoken: Hindi, Punjabi, Urdu, English. Temperature: 32 to 113 degrees Fahrenheit…

George: Vow, 113 degrees! They sure have global warmin’ there real bad.

Story continues below this ad

Condi: Mr President, subjects like global warming are best avoided. Suggested talking points with India: the Indo-US nuclear deal and our supreme national interest.

George: Yeah. Gottit. How about throwin’ in an oil deal, too, Condi? Texaco would love it if we git to Mobil-ise the Indians. Let’s git ’em to do gas deals with us. Now that would be somethin’ in our supreme interest, I’d say.

Condi (firmly): Not this time, Mr President. This time it’s the nuclear deal. We need to move decisively. The Indians tend to be stubborn and argumentative. They love to indulge in shadow boxing.

George: Gee, sounds like fun. Always loved playing Cowboys and Indians, and as for boxin’, I’m a champ. Atta girl, Condi, let’s give it to ’em.

Story continues below this ad

Condi: The tone I would suggest should be one of polite firmness: a gentleman cowboy, if you get what I mean. They also need to know the strengths of our administration.

George: You mean, we’ve got to tell ’em about how we do our wire taps, fix the media, and issue denials?

Condi: No, we need to talk about democracy. Indians love to talk about freedom.

George: Great. I love to talk about democracy and freedom, too. Here, how does this sound? ‘‘We are a democracy. You are a democracy. We love our Freedom. You love your Freedom. I love French Fries, but we now call them Freedom Fries…’’

Story continues below this ad

Condi (drily): Suggest we leave the speech writing to William McGurn, Mr President. Let’s concentrate on remembering the names of the two leaders.

George: I know them, I know them. Somethin’ with ‘M’… Manmohan Musharraf.

Condi: Very good, Mr President. But they are two separate people. There is Pervez Musharraf in Pakistan and Manmohan Singh, in India.

George: Aw shucks, Condi, all this sounds so darned borin’. Why is it always me who has to make all these borin’ trips and get stuck with all those borin’ people? Why can’t I have a real vacation? Why can’t I get to do some serious mountain bikin’ at Crawford without that woman Cindy Sheehan being on my case? And poor Laura, she won’t even be able to catch up on her Desperate Housewives out in India, I betcha.

Story continues below this ad

Condi: Wrong, Mr President. I believe we can ensure that Mrs Bush doesn’t miss out on any of her favourite serials. The civilising footprint of our entertainment industry precedes us.

George: Should be grateful for small mercies, I guess. Now I think I may need a bathroom break. Is it possible?

Condi (sighing to herself): Yes, Mr President, it is. But please don’t be long. We have to keep working at this and it may take a while…