Welcome to Elections 2001! We're the very first to bring you the results of the world's biggest ever democratic elections, concluded yesterday. Counting has started a few minutes back and we'll air the news live, as it breaks. Now, we take a short break.''``We now take you over to the counting centre at Bungpur. Arvind, what's the latest?''``Well, Alok, counting has finally started after some objections.''``Who's leading?''``So far six votes have been counted the first two went to the BJP, which thus established an early lead: the next two went to the Congress and the next two to Others.''``Who's Others?''``Uh, it's the Front, bringing up the rear.''``United Front?''``Randhir, is this significant? 33.33 per cent vote share.''``Could be significant, Alok, because, in the last election, the BJP got only one vote at this stage, so this means they're up 100 per cent and it's early days yet. If you project this kind of swing across the board statewide, apply the anti-incumbencyco-efficient, divide by Opposition United Index to the power of the Saponification Factor.''``Just a minute. Arvind has more news.''``Three more votes counted. All three to Congress.'' ``Wow. Arvind, could this be the Sonia effect again, do you thing?``Yes and no, Alok. The fact is, during her visit here, she wore her sari not in the Oriya style but the Bengali style minus keybunch. She partly made up for this by waving vigorously Andhra-style. Here, 23.7 per cent of voters are Telugu.''``Thank you, Arvind, for that penetrating analysis.''``Six more votes have been counted - three each to BJP and UF. Over.'' ``Ominous? Randhir, could we be heading for a hung Parivar - sorry, hung Parliament again?'' `Well, Alok, I thought it might end in a tie. So I rang up Kannu Apoor, who has vast experience resolving ties on his musical quiz show. Here he is.''``A tie? I am Kannu Apoor, and I get all excited when there's a tie. The solution's simple. Ask Rameshji to sing Hum kisise kum nahin infourteen-taal. Ask Govindacharyaji to sing Common Civil Code in reverse.''``Oh, no! The Constitution doesn't. Rajan, call Bertie, our management consultant. And now, a short break.``Hi, Alok, this is Bertie. The situation's a triangle, with three major groups, A, B and C. Obviously, any two sides are longer than the third. Each group is anxious to cut the throat of at least one other. Now, what does Game Theory say about three scorpions in a bottle?``No side will trust another with power for six months - not after that farce in UP. So we need a three-shift government - morning shift of nine hours by the BJP, second eight-hour shift by the Congress, and night shift of seven hours by the UF. Simple! Scientific 24-hour government! Not one which sleeps for 12 hours, and puts us to sleep for six hours with speechification. ``And, as a bonus, Alok, here's my solution to the problem of election expenses.'' "Sorry, time for a commercial break.''``But that's my solution! Every election speech shouldhave a commercial break every 10 minutes, where the candidate quaffs Secksi-Cola or munches Maama Chips with every appearance of pleasure after the heat and dust of the campaign, belches loudly, and shouts `Vote for Secksi-Cola! Put your mark on Secksi-Cola bottle!' Why? Because, every candidate's logo will be selected by the Election Commission from branded, advertised goods - Secksi-Cola, Maama Chips, Zero cycles, whatever! And those companies will compete in an open auction, and pay. What better way to advertise your goods throughout India?''And which World Bank-returned economist will grudge even Rs 820 crore spent on ads - as distinct from Rs 320 crore spent on democracy?
