Saddam’s options: Pest control to Joe Dictator

Orkin Pest Control: Given Saddam’s expertise with deadly chemicals, a job in the pesticide industry seemed like a good bet. ‘‘Um, we could test pesticides on him,’’ company spokeswoman Martha Craft said. ‘‘Or rodenticides. But we wouldn’t want him on the operating end of a sprayer.’’

Fox TV: On the heels of Joe Millionaire, Fox could produce a new series called Joe Dictator, in which 20 beautiful women compete to become Saddam’s mistress. During the courting process, Saddam would tell the women he’s the potentate of an oil-rich Middle Eastern nation. Not until the final episode would he reveal the truth — that he has been driven from power and doesn’t have a single weapon of mass destruction to his name. Will the woman he chooses still love him? Mike Darnell, the Fox exec in charge of ‘‘alternative series’’, declined to comment on whether the network would be willing to make this contribution to world peace.

World Wrestling Entertainment: If professional wrestling needs a new bad guy, we have the perfect candidate: Saddam Insane. WWE spokesman Gary Davis agreed: ‘‘If we could make him a professional wrestler who gets beaten into oblivion each week on Raw SmackDown, then, yes, we could find a home for him.’’

Sean Penn: An ardent anti-war activist, the actor recently bought a $56,000 ad in the Washington Post to urge peace and visited Baghdad, the Iraqi capital, on a ‘‘fact-finding’’ mission. Would he be willing to go the extra mile and adopt Saddam as a house guest? Penn’s publicist, Mara Buxbaum, was not amused by the question. ‘‘It seems highly inappropriate and offensive to include Sean in your article,’’ she said. ‘‘If you’re going to mention him, I will be contacting his lawyers.’’ Buxbaum noted that during Penn’s trip to Iraq, the actor never said anything kind about Saddam. ‘‘He called him a tyrant,’’ she said.

University of California, Los Angeles: Can anything snap the UCLA men’s basketball team out of its slump? How about a strong disciplinarian as assistant coach? ‘‘Is this a joke?’’ asked athletic department spokesman Marc Dellins. ‘‘We don’t want any part of it.’’

Hearst Castle: As the owner of 78 presidential palaces, Saddam probably would be an excellent groundskeeper for the former estate of William Randolph Hearst. Unfortunately, state park employees must pass a rigorous background check. Said spokesman Dan Eller: ‘‘He’d never make it’’.

Esalen Institute: Does Big Sur’s touchy-feely New Age centre need a new workshop leader? ‘‘I like the idea of him running an anger management programme,’’ said Esalen spokesman David Price.

Executive Recruitment Companies: As the CEO of Iraq, Saddam has a management style that might transfer to the corporate world. Outplacement expert John Challenger, of Chicago-based Challenger, Gray and Christmas, said Saddam could market himself as a hatchet man for hostile corporate takeovers. He could be another Al ‘‘Chain Saw’’ Dunlop of Sunbeam or ‘‘Neutron Jak’’ Welch of General Electric, both known for heavy layoffs, Challenger said. ‘‘We could call him ‘Anthrax Saddam’.’’

If all else fails, perhaps Saddam could find employment with the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety as a crash test dummy. (LATWP)