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Journalism of Courage
Bruce Feiler
I called it the 7.42 pm fight. It happened every night when my wife and I gathered to discuss the detritus of our lives. Whos waking up early with the kids? Whos going to take grandma to the eye doctor? What do you mean you forgot to pick up the milk?
Shed cross her arms and stare at the ceiling. Id throw up my hands and raise my voice. Finally,shed storm out of the room.
My daughters,meanwhile,developed their own ritualised fights. Your dessert is bigger! Its my day to go first. Liar! Tattletale!
Our house was a combat zone. There must be a better way,I thought.
Ive set out on a quest to try to improve how we fight as a family. I took a three-day course from the team at the Harvard Negotiation Project; I invited environmental psychologists to our home to inspect where we sat during spats; I talked to linguists.
At a time when researchers seek to help make peace between battling parties,including siblings and spouses,heres what I learned:
BEWARE TRANSITIONS
Researchers have found that the biggest fights within families erupt when people are either coming together or saying goodbye. Getting children out the door in the morning and reuniting in the evening are particularly vulnerable times. Two psychologists in Chicago,Reed Larson and Maryse Richards,studied 50 families and found that the most highly charged period was between 6 and 8 pm. Men said they were stressed,but actually enjoyed coming home,while women truly were stressed because it was the brunt of their second shift of housework and caretaking. The lesson: wait until everyone is fed,has changed clothes and had some private time.
LEVEL DOWN
In my familys classic 7.42 pm fight,I was usually seated upright at my desk,surrounded by computer equipment; my wife was six inches lower in an old swivel chair. Sally Augustin,an environmental psychologist in Chicago,was horrified by this arrangement: You are clearly in the power position! Other power poses include putting your feet up and lacing your fingertips behind your head.
People in these positions have elevated testosterone,reduced cortisol and increased feelings of superiority,she said,while people in low-power poses slumping,crossing your arms are defensive and resentful. Her advice: everybody in a meaningful conversation should sit at the same level.
CUSHION YOUR BLOWS
Its not just how you sit; its what you sit on. A study published in 2010 by professors at MIT,Harvard and Yale showed that when people sit on a hard wooden chair,they are more rigid and inflexible. When they sit on a soft cushioned chair,they are more accommodating and generous.
GO TO THE BALCONY
But what if youre already in a fight? The Program on Negotiation at Harvard specialises in resolving tricky conflicts,from Israeli-Palestinian peace talks to nuclear test ban treaties. Their signature move: go to the balcony. As Bill Ury,a founder of the group and author of Getting to Yes,described it: When things are starting to go wrong,imagine the negotiation taking place on a stage. Then allow your mind to go to the balcony overlooking that stage. From there you can see the macro view,begin to calm down and come up with alternatives. My wife and I have adopted a watered-down version with our school-age children. When problems erupt,we separate them and allow time to cool off.
THE THREE-MINUTE RULE
John Gottman of the University of Washington has found that the most important points in any argument can be found in the opening minutes. After that,people repeat themselves at higher and higher decibels. Say your piece for three minutes,then heed Urys advice: call for a five-minute break or take a short walk.
THE ONE WORD YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY
Pronouns are the canary in the coal mine of conflict. James Pennebaker,a psychologist at the University of Texas,has found that within couples,using first-person pronouns I or we is a sign of a healthy relationship. By contrast,using lots of second-person pronounsYou always say that or You never do thisis a mark of poor problem-solving.
THE ONE WORD YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SAY
Ive heard different opinions about forcing people to apologise. Sheila Heen,author of Difficult Conversations,told me that in her household,she favours contrition. Saying sorry has two meanings, she said. One is to describe how you actually feel. The other is to take responsibility for the impact youve had on somebody else. Im really more interested in the second meaning.
Bruce Feiler is the author of The Secrets of Happy Families
