Please spare us our silly points

Dear Mandira Bedi,Hurry back, all is forgiven. Ditch MAX for Morrison or Atul Wassan. Bring with you, your lovely, moist smile, your transpa...

Dear Mandira Bedi,

Hurry back, all is forgiven. Ditch MAX for Morrison or Atul Wassan. Bring with you, your lovely, moist smile, your transparent saris and ignorance of cricket. Rescue the India-New Zealand cricket series from the commentary of men more dead than alive and flatter than the Motera pitch. In short, enliven the proceedings with your bodyline, silly points and verbal bouncers. Pretty please.

It has to be either Navjot Singh Sidhu or you, since Geoffrey Boycott is unavailable. We choose you because you are a better-looking, b equally well-dressed and c less likely to divert attention from the game with curious catechisms that only Sidhu understands. Sometimes, even he cannot explain why a ball soars like an airhostess, unless he8217;s male chauvinist patka who calls women birds.

Also, your female presence might spark alive this flinty group of men. If you cannot bring messiers Arun Lal, Sanjay Manjrekar, Atul Wassan, Ian Smith and Danny Morrison to life, then no one and nothing can, least of all the game of cricket. Honestly, who said that each and every former cricketer is a compelling commentator?

And, you? We now realise, you8217;re Extraa Special. We can8217;t take our eyes off you note: this chorus line is meant to be sung. Every batsman wishes the ball was more like you because then he wouldn8217;t take his eyes off it, either.

We know the effect you have on your fellow commentators: during the World Cup you made Venkatesh Prasad smile, Jeff Thommo blush and Krishnamachari Srikkanth shut up. Lal Co. are, also, likely to be awe-struck by you and your cricketing brain.

Actually, that8217;s the problem 8212; the cricketing brain. It8217;s not that Manjrekar does not know what he is talking about, it8217;s that, often, we don8217;t. You won8217;t face that problem because you don8217;t know what you8217;re talking about. Or, if you do, you8217;ve been told to sit on it.

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In case you accept our grovelling request, a few tips. Avoid flirting with 8216;8216;educated guesses8217;8217;. On Thursday, Manjrekar8217;s 8216;8216;educated guess8217;8217; estimated that India would bat into the third morning and pile up more than 600 runs.

Avoid, repeating the same line of attack the whole day. Like Arun Lal, who spent the better part of his commentary stints on Wednesday admiring the New Zealand field placements and proclaiming for the nth time, 8216;8216;they are not allowing the batsmen to settle down8217;8217;.

Avoid disagreeing with your partner, it unsettles the viewer. If Manjrekar said Ganguly had a healthy 8216;8216;respect8217; for leftie spinner Vettori, Wassan replied, 8216;8216;8230;that8217;s a first. He Ganguly has scant respect for left-arm spinners8217;8217;. Whom are we to believe?

Avoid too many flourishes. Here8217;s Morrison describing Parthiv Patel8217;s knock: 8216;8216;23 off 11 balls8230; that8217;s staggering.8217;8217; No, Danny, Mathew Haydn hit 380 off 437 balls: that8217;s staggering.

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Avoid, dry comments, go for the wry ones. Ask Ian Smith to help you: commenting on opener Lou Vincent8217;s preparations for the series, he remarked, that Lou had worked hard to be 8216;8216;mentally tough for the tour8230; he was chasing something through the bushes in New Zealand,8217;8217; pause, 8216;8216;It didn8217;t help him much.8217;8217; In the first innings, Vincent scored 7.

Avoid personal remarks. Maninder Singh sounded like him disapproved of Ganguly and Tendulkar speaking to Harbhajan on Friday afternoon. When you talk too much to the spinner, he revealed, 8216;8216;he looses his concentration 8212; and his mind8217;8217;.

Impress upon your fellow commentators that cricket lies in the eye of the beholder. We don8217;t need it described. Unless there is something they see which we cannot. During the last four days, how many times did we hear comments such as: 8216;8216;He left the ball outside the off stump8230; that8217;s a bouncer, that8217;s a four, he8217;s lofted that one high8230;8217;8217; They never stop: when you break for a commercial they8217;re talking, when we return, they8217;re still in mid-sentence.

Above all, inspire them. Currently, the most interesting comments are young Parthiv8217;s vowel movements: 8216;8216;Aaeeeiiioooouuu8217;8217;, 8216;8216;aaaaoooo,8217;8217;, 8216;8216;eeeeiiii8217;8217;. Let8217;s have more scores, targets, overs bowled 8212; eloquence alongside your elegance, some fun along with the fundas. Please.

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PS: Spare a few moments to teach Narendra Modi telly-manners. Asked about Gujarat, Modi replied, 8216;8216;We have only one word 8212; development, development, development.8217;8217; He divested himself of the microphone and all responsibility. Then he got up and left BBC World.