Our disappearing daughters cost us

Mapping of child sex ratios by demographers shows that the traditional north/south divide is no longer valid. Missing girls now dot almost the entire map, including parts of the Northeast. The few protected areas that remain appear to be tribal belts in Jharkhand, Chhattisgarh, Orissa and Andhra Pradesh, showing us that it is surely not the ‘savages’ who need civilising. With further Hinduisation of tribal areas and the spread of the dowry culture as the preferred form of marriage exchange, it is only a matter of time before the so-called ‘protected areas’ go the way of the rest of the country.

Haryana today provides us with clues to the emerging societal crisis caused by the spreading daughter deficit. Facing a severe female spousal shortage and consequently an excess of desperate bachelors, this state is ‘hunting’ for brides; it began with poor, illiterate women from poor states like Assam, West Bengal and Bihar and has now included rich states such as Maharashtra and even Kerala, whose women are literate, economically independent and hence expected to be ‘empowered’. The women from the poor states were young, from families with several girls and whose parents could not afford ‘honourable’ dowry marriages. They ended up being married far away from home to men who were much older — sometimes widowers with several children. Or they became second wives to men whose wives had not been able to provide the desired male heir. Their tribulations are immense due to the cultural gulf between them and their husbands, sharing not even language. They had no choice. The women from Kerala and Maharashtra appear to be exercising some agency by choosing to marry out — those from Kerala are ‘overage’ and devalued in their own society while women from Maharashtra come hoping to achieve a higher standard of living in a ‘rich’ state.

Haryanvi society is reacting with extreme schizophrenia to the sex ratio stress. For a society that is becoming increasingly rigid in enforcing societal, caste and community norms of marriage, what an irony that it is importing wives of indeterminate caste and without demanding dowry. Indeed, the grooms are footing the marriage expenses. What is most horrifying is that men are even bringing underage women and those not sound of mind. Girls may end up in polyandrous relationships or get trafficked from one unsuccessful marriage to another.

Communities are increasingly controlling the pool of women ‘belonging’ to them as defined by local social norms. The spate of cases in which ‘khap’ (caste) panchayats have imposed sanctions on couples considered to be in inappropriate gotra marriages and the vendetta towards couples who marry for love or who marry outside their own caste reveal the tighter control being exercised over local women and over marriage. In fact the shortage of girls stands to reverse some of the gains women have made in the recent past — seen in the declining age at marriage in Haryana during the last decade; further, concerns for women and young girls’ sexual security negatively impact education, work and autonomy prospects.

If all this is happening to the women, what of the men? Men are getting stratified according to those who are attractive grooms for local women and those who are not. The poor, landless, unemployed and physically disabled are at the bottom of the heap. They face non-marriage or may have to wait longer to get married, buy wives or at least foot all the expenditure on marriage if lucky enough to find a woman. They are the ones having to marry women from outside their own cultures. The fate of the children of such ‘hybrid’ marriages remains as yet unknown.

The shortage of spouses is leading the family to abdicate its ‘sacrosanct’ responsibility of accomplishing the marriage of all children. In Haryana, it is increasingly obvious that while all daughters must be married for reasons of family honour, all sons need not be married. Sons are being discouraged from marriage for reasons of shortage of brides and equally to prevent land fragmentation. These frustrated young men will seek other means to write their own adult futures, with or without marriage.

The rest of India can choose to learn a lesson from Haryana if it is does not wish to pay a hefty price for devaluing women and eliminating girl children.

The writer teaches in the department of Humanities and Social Sciences, IIT Delhi

ravinder_iitd@yahoo.com