Koi M-I-L Gaya

BRITS obviously love life’s little ironies. Come April 8, English tabloids will go nuts. The ‘third’ person in the fairytale marriage of Prince Charles and Princess Diana, Camilla Parker Bowles, will herself discover she has company—the Queen Mum. And if, for any peculiar reason, the Camilla-Charles marriage doesn’t quite make the expected cut, the vamp of the piece will be the world’s most loathed creature—the mother-in-law. Who would’ve imagined the Queen of England playing such a role? But there it is. By resolutely refusing to attend the second wedding of her eldest child and annointed heir, Elizabeth will reinforce the stereotype of the hostile, conniving, nasty mum-in-law.

It’s time society stopped demonising this position. By all accounts, it isn’t the most enviable one to be stuck in. But when a woman finds herself there, she also finds she has to deal with centuries of baggage. Mothers-in-law are expected to be imperious, arrogant and supremely wicked. Their portrayal has been so predictable, it has become caricatural. And yet, the m-i-ls of today are strenuously aiming for a serious image makeover. Like Jassi, who’s struggling to drop the plain Jane facade and assume a ‘new, improved’ avatar, the modern-day m-i-l also seems to be pleading for a similar chance. “Look at me,” she’s saying, “I have neither fangs nor claws.” Which is largely true, if one cares to view this unfortunate breed more sympathetically. She’s crying out for recognition and maybe even appreciation. The reason for this fairly recent transformation (from dulhan to villain to milan) is fairly easy to understand. The current crop of m-i-ls are really not interested in being the ‘woh’ in the pati-patni-woh triangle. Fifty and fabulous, they have a life of their own. In fact, so rocking is the life they’ve created for themselves, there’s just no room in it to torment/torture a daughter-in-law.

This generation of desi, urban bahus is very fortunate. Most live on their own, without a mum-in-law hovering around, and even if they live in an extended family, chances are the m-i-l is a babe herself. Fit, confident and madly busy, she has better things to do with her time than to nag her daughters-in-law. Kitchen politics have taken a backseat to some honest-to-goodness bonding between the two women who are emotionally soldered to the same man.

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In Kolkata recently, I was delighted to see at least 20 saas-bahu combos show up for an interactive discussion on marriage, based on my book Spouse. They looked genuinely happy to be spending time together, laughing and chatting through the long afternoon. There was zero evidence of the old stiffness, formality and suspicion. In fact, genuine warmth and affection seems to have replaced painted barbs and silly taunts. It’s time to discard the old stereotype, completely out of sync with contemporary realities.

My Personal list of Super M-i-ls

Parmeshwar Godrej: Which son-in-law wouldn’t want to flaunt Mrs G as his wife’s mum? While Arvind Dubash doesn’t quite do that, it is obvious he enjoys Parmesh’s company and is best buddies with her. Pinkie Roshan: Petite and low-key, it’s hard to believe she is a saas. But going by her informal and unself-conscious conduct in public whenever she’s accompanying Hritik and Susanne, I’d say she’s a very cool mum-in-law to be around. Ditto for Dimple Kapadia, Smita Parekh, Zarina Khan, Vipula Kadri, Mumira Chudasama, Pallavi Jaikishen, Meera Zhaveri and Sabira Merchant.

When I look around my own friends’ circle, I find countless enlightened mothers-in-law who have far better things to do with their time than waste it on harassing their daughters-in-law. If anything, these women have wisely decided to join the club and chill out with the young women who, metaphorically and sometimes physically too, share the same space. The man in the middle has become incidental.

As a peace initiative, it sure beats Pakistani actress Meera’s nataks, and is far more enduring, too. Now if only the Queen Mum would take her cue from Mumbai’s m-i-ls and loan her tiara to Camilla.

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(Shobhaa De’s Spouse has sold 25,000 copies in under two months)