Golf is a four letter word

The game is structured for this kind of talk. Which other game has an arena that’s not defined by length or breadth and requires 14 different clubs to hit a minute ball all over the course ending up in 18 tiny holes? In between, you have to negotiate your way around trees, ponds, sand, thorny bushes, wild grass and any other obstruction the designer may have fancied. No two courses in the world are alike; not even two holes are ever the same. Peculiar incidents are just waiting to occur. A few years ago, during the US Open, Tiger Woods was mortified to find his ball stuck in a tree! A helpful spectator climbed up and retrieved it. I have done better than this. Playing at Kochi’s Bolghatti course one Saturday, I hit the ball high up a palm tree only to lose it up there. Unlike Tiger, I had no gallery and had to continue playing with another ball. The next day I returned to the course and, although not known for consistency, repeated the previous day’s shot. It struck the same tree and, lo and behold, two balls dropped!

Considering that a round of golf takes around four hours during which odd things happen, players often give vent to their feelings in colourful language. A story goes that a puritan club tried to curb this tendency by imposing a stiff fine on anyone heard uttering obscenities. A habitual offender decided to take the matter to court. He described to the judge his trials and tribulations caused by shanked shots, missed putts, lost balls, and pleaded for mercy. The judge promptly dismissed the case agreeing that there was enough provocation for the man to use the language he did!

No wonder Mark Twain defined golf as “a good walk spoiled”. Someone else said golf is a game in which you shout “fore”, hit six strokes and write down five! Perhaps a golfer’s attitude is best summed up in a player inquiring about his opponent’s shot, “Is my ‘friend’ in the bunker or is the ‘bastard’ on the green?”